Asking a girl on a date question (I'm 20)

[US 41]

A little background here. I am 20 years old and I've never dated (or even asked) anyone before. There's this girl at work and she is also 20. We used to know each other vaguely in middle school and then about 6 months ago we met again at work (she is a cashier at my job). I've really been wanting to ask her out, but everytime I go to do it I chicken out and never do it and I've been stressing about it for nearly a month now.

We do talk almost every day at work (everytime we see each other) and she always smiles when I talk to her and I mean I feel like she has to know I like her, because honestly I go out of my way to talk to her. We know a lot about each other and have probably told each other things that we wouldn't just tell anybody.

So here's the question. Since I can't seem to ask her out in person I have thought about asking her via a Facebook message. I know that is kind of lame, but at the same time I feel like if she is interested in me at all she will probably say yes no how I ask her. And since she does know that I've never dated anyone before I'm sure she'd understand.

I'd probably word it something like "I know I'd be way too nervous to ever ask you in person, but I was wondering if you might like to go on a date with me sometime. I think we have a lot in common and I think you are really nice. I know I've said in the past that I didn't really have faith in relationships, but I think you would be worth taking a chance on. If you don't want to go out with me, that's perfectly fine. I don't want to pressure you into anything you don't want to do."

Is this a bad idea or am I right when I say if she likes me she'll say yes either way? I feel like asking via fb kind of takes the pressure off of both of us. Thoughts?

[kphoger]

I never had a girlfriend till I was 19 years old, and nobody really liked me back in high school.  I got turned down a couple of times I asked a girl out too, so that didn't help my confidence.  But take it from me, she will appreciate you asking her face-to-face.

If she's not interested, then she'll say no, and no big deal.  She'll be flattered that you asked, won't think anything bad about you, and you'll know where you stand with her.  Plus, you'll have done it once, so the next time will be easier.

If she's interested, then she'll say yes.  She might say yes either way, but it will make her more interested to know that a shy guy like you had the guts to ask her out.

If she could go either way, then it's a lot easier to say no on Facebook than it is in person.  You're chances are better asking face-to-face.

One final word of advice:  Don't say 'a date with me sometime.'  Have a place and a day (or a choice between two days) in mind when you ask, and ask specifically if she would like to go with you to that place at that time.  Low-pressure spots are good for a first date, like coffee or an informal college music concert.  If your work schedules line up at all, you could start with asking if she'd like to make a convenience store run with you during break.



FYI, when I first saw your post, I thought you were US 71, not US 41.  And I was thinking, ... there's no WAY you're only 20!

[US 41]

I never had a girlfriend till I was 19 years old, and nobody really liked me back in high school.  I got turned down a couple of times I asked a girl out too, so that didn't help my confidence.  But take it from me, she will appreciate you asking her face-to-face.

If she's not interested, then she'll say no, and no big deal.  She'll be flattered that you asked, won't think anything bad about you, and you'll know where you stand with her.  Plus, you'll have done it once, so the next time will be easier.

If she's interested, then she'll say yes.  She might say yes either way, but it will make her more interested to know that a shy guy like you had the guts to ask her out.

Haha yeah I see your point. The problem is that, yes we talk to each other all the time, but it seems like there is always someone else around. I'm already nervous when I think about doing it, but then when someone else is around it makes it to where I just don't even bother.

If she could go either way, then it's a lot easier to say no on Facebook than it is in person.  You're chances are better asking face-to-face. One final word of advice:  Don't say 'a date with me sometime.'  Have a place and a day (or a choice between two days) in mind when you ask,

The reason I said "sometime" was because I don't really know her work schedule and she is in college. And tbh I only want her to say yes if she actually wants to go out with me. I don't want her to feel pressured into going out with me.

If she's not interested, then she'll say no, and no big deal.  She'll be flattered that you asked, won't think anything bad about you, and you'll know where you stand with her.  Plus, you'll have done it once, so the next time will be easier.

Really? I honestly thought the opposite of this. I thought she might not want to talk to me anymore or hate me (even though she still talks to two of my friends that have taken her out). I guess I'm just putting too much pressure on myself.

There is a girl at my work that I knew from high school (she is really pretty too and same age as me) and she said that a Facebook message was perfectly fine. But I wasn't sure if that was right or not.

[michravera]

A little background here. I am 20 years old and I've never dated (or even asked) anyone before. There's this girl at work and she is also 20. We used to know each other vaguely in middle school and then about 6 months ago we met again at work (she is a cashier at my job). I've really been wanting to ask her out, but everytime I go to do it I chicken out and never do it and I've been stressing about it for nearly a month now.

We do talk almost every day at work (everytime we see each other) and she always smiles when I talk to her and I mean I feel like she has to know I like her, because honestly I go out of my way to talk to her. We know a lot about each other and have probably told each other things that we wouldn't just tell anybody.

So here's the question. Since I can't seem to ask her out in person I have thought about asking her via a Facebook message. I know that is kind of lame, but at the same time I feel like if she is interested in me at all she will probably say yes no how I ask her. And since she does know that I've never dated anyone before I'm sure she'd understand.

I'd probably word it something like "I know I'd be way too nervous to ever ask you in person, but I was wondering if you might like to go on a date with me sometime. I think we have a lot in common and I think you are really nice. I know I've said in the past that I didn't really have faith in relationships, but I think you would be worth taking a chance on. If you don't want to go out with me, that's perfectly fine. I don't want to pressure you into anything you don't want to do."

Is this a bad idea or am I right when I say if she likes me she'll say yes either way? I feel like asking via fb kind of takes the pressure off of both of us. Thoughts?

What ever happened to following the girl (with permission) to her car or trying to arrange a "coffee" after work? Girls will say "yes" and they will turn you down, but they will often do neither until you explicitly express interest. You have got to crawl before you can fly. So start crawling! Give the girl a chance to say "yes" -- TO ANYTHING --- NO MATTER HOW SMALL.

I had my eye on four different girls recently until one of them asked me out. That was a year ago. She may be Mrs. Mich in another year, if I don't screw it up. But I am a bit older.

[US 41]

Yeah I mean I help her at work all the time voluntarily when she is doing returns (putting stuff back on the shelf that people have brought back to the store for whatever reason). We've both told each other that we don't really trust relationships. Me, because of my parents; and her because she had an ex that hit her and she's had other guys that have taken advantage (used her for sex) of her in the past. I think she thinks I'm a nice guy and I'm sure she knows I'm not a player. She's also told me in the past that she is single, so I'm not sure if those are hints or not. I'm not really that knowledgeable, but her smiling whenever we talk makes me feel somewhat confident.

EDIT: A lot of people have told me not to ask her out because she is a ho, does drugs, (I don't think she does, because you have to pass a drug test to get hired) etc. But based on the many times we have talked I just don't think most people understand what she has been through. I'd like to be the best partner she'll ever have, but I also have to ask her out first.

[dvferyance]

What's the hurry? I didn't go out with anyone until I was 32. Although the first time I asked was when I was 25 I just had the most rotten luck of anyone on the face of the planet.

[corco]

Ask her out, stop overanalyzing, stop making excuses.

Just don't do it by Facebook, especially with a long apologizing message that conveys your lack of confidence. That's setting yourself up for failure. If you must do Facebook, talk to her for a while before asking.
But really, don't do it that way.

Alternatively, get her number - even if you get it from a friend - and CASUALLY ask her out via text. That's accepted these days and requires less forwardness. 

Keep it positive and exciting - don't make excuses for yourself and don't qualify it by telling her how to get out of it. She's not an idiot - if she doesn't want to date she'll know how to reject your without you giving her reasons to do so. Make it sound like you'll have fun on the date, not that you're shitting your pants in nervousness, which the text in your proposed FB message conveys.

[US 41]

Ask her out, stop overanalyzing, stop making excuses.

Just don't do it by Facebook, especially with a long apologizing message that conveys your lack of confidence. That's setting yourself up for failure. If you must do Facebook, talk to her for a while before asking.
But really, don't do it that way.

Alternatively, get her number - even if you get it from a friend - and CASUALLY ask her out via text. That's accepted these days and requires less forwardness.

I edited it to say this (I haven't sent it though).

Hey would you like to go out to dinner with me sometime? I never seem to get the chance to ask you at work, because it seems like someone else is always around lol. But I think you are really nice and I think we have a lot in common.

[corco]

I mean, that's better but still not ideal. She might find it sweet, but I'd go even more casual if she doesn't trust relationships. Basically drop the last sentence.

I maintain that Facebook is a terrible idea in this context though - get her number from a friend and text her in her day off if you absolutely can't do it in person.

[Duke87]

Facebook may or may not be a bad idea, situation dependent. It sounds like you've known this person for a while so you know better than any of us what she will or won't like.

Key question here: do you communicate regularly via Facebook? If so then it's probably fine for you to ask her out via such. If not it's going to seem odd. At the very least it will send the message "I don't have the balls to ask you in person even though I see you every day"... which may be unattractive but if she likes shy guys it could actually help you. Again, you know her better than we do.


All that said, I would also generally advise against dating coworkers. There is a high risk of awkwardness and a lot of people refuse to do it for that reason alone. Indeed, there are companies with policies explicitly prohibiting it.

[kphoger]

She smiles when she talks to you.

Let me say that again: SHE SMILES WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU. She has also shared details of her personal life with you. All this points to her liking you. That doesn't necessarily mean she's interested in you, but she at least likes you as a friend. And, if any of what you've mentioned about her past is true, then she probably has a real need for a good, drama-free friend. The way you build a friendship (or any other relationship) is by spending time together talking, and the way you do that is to ASK HER to spend time with you.

You don't know her work schedule? That's fine. Pick a donut shop and three different times/days you're available. One of them is bound to work or, if not, you'll be halfway to a date.

Other people around, not so good. It's awkward for everyone, it puts her in a spot, it's embarrassing if she says no. Figure out a way to steal a minute. For a cashier, that pretty much means the break room or before or after work. Talk to her in person. Getting her number from sometime else is kind of stalky, texting is barely better than Facebook.

If she weren't friendly towards you, then I could see her maybe being put off by your asking her out. But SHE SMILES WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU. This means she'll still be a happy acquaintance even if she says no, and you'll be no worse off.

Those hints might be hints. But it's been my experience that some girls that age who've had a dirty past are open about it with everyone; I think it's their way of trying to accept their past and move on, and to not wear a mask. I wouldn't read too much into it until you get to know her better.

So stop agonizing.
You want to get to know her.
Ask her out.
In person.
Like a respectable man.
It's hard for everyone the first time.
She won't hate you.
You'll be fine.
She'll probably say yes.
SHE SMILES WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU.

[kphoger]

All that said, I would also generally advise against dating coworkers. There is a high risk of awkwardness and a lot of people refuse to do it for that reason alone. Indeed, there are companies with policies explicitly prohibiting it.

Agreed. At least, if your job duties bump into each other. My boss and co-worker are married to each other and it works, but most people are not like that. Peer work relations seem to work better than any relation wherein one person has any say in the other person's daily work activities. And please don't engage in a sexual relationship with a co-worker; ask any older member on here for stories of that turning out badly.

[hbelkins]

A rather famous former co-worker of mine (Google Malcolm "Mac" Kilduff if you wish) had a saying about workplace relationships.

"Don't get your meat where you get your bread."

[Takumi]

I've been mulling asking out a coworker, because we seem to like each other. We work in different departments and I've been looking for another job anyway. I invited her to my birthday party in a few weeks. She said if she doesn't work, she'd like to.

[corco]

I wouldn't worry about asking out co-workers. I know people who have done so both successfully to the point of marriage and unsuccessfully to the point of breaking up. That said, in the absolute worst case scenario, new jobs are easier to find than love - take the risk.

[1995hoo]

A rather famous former co-worker of mine (Google Malcolm "Mac" Kilduff if you wish) had a saying about workplace relationships.

"Don't get your meat where you get your bread."

The version I always heard was "don't dip your pen in the company's ink."

[nexus73]

Ask her out for a dinner and a movie date, then offer her the choice to pick one while you pick the other.  That little adventure will give you something to talk about and maybe even laugh about!  Have some flexibility for day and time and mention some slots for you which are open to give her a chance to synch up with your schedule.

Since you already work with this lady and she knows you, shyness in approaching should be lessened from the kind you would have making a cold call on a stranger.  Odds are good you will succeed in getting an answer of some sort to indicate whether there is any interest on her part.  Ever hear the song "Girls Just Wanaa Have Fun" by Cindy Lauper?  They really do!

Rick

[US 41]

Yeah dating a co-worker is actually the least of my concerns. And it's not against my company's rules to date co-workers, as long as you / they are not their / your manager. That doesn't apply here, because neither one of us are a manager of anything.

Work is honestly the only place I'm ever going to meet anyone anyways, since I'm not in school anymore. I mean I haven't actually had a serious crush on anyone in over 2 years. The only way I actually start to get a serious crush on someone is once I talk to them and actually get to know them. Unfortunately this method seems to set me up for failure, because I start to fall in love with the girl and then I am terrified to ask her out, because I'm afraid I'll mess up. And I don't fall in love with someone very often which makes the pressure even greater on me.

[1995hoo]

The whole "Facebook/text message" thing is surely going to elicit different responses based on the rest of our ages. I daresay younger folks might have a totally differently reaction than those of us over age 40 (I do not have a Facebook account, BTW, and so have no comment either way). It's sort of like a girl asking a guy out–once upon a time that was taboo.

BTW, a relationship with someone you met at work surely can work–my now-wife and I met at work, though we didn't start dating until she had left for a different job.

[corco]

I'm going to note that it is somewhat amazing it took 8 years for this subject to come up on the forum. Did we just jump the shark?

[US 41]

Everyone in my age group has said that they think it's okay. I do think it would be better to ask her face to face, but I've tried that for nearly a month now and I still haven't done it. I'm still going to be nervous as hell if I send her a fb message, but I think it's a lot easier to hit the enter button.

I don't know. I might try again on Friday night. I was so close to actually asking her out today it's not even funny. Like I was to the point where I gave zero f**** until some random cashier popped up out of no where. Then I was like screw it. We were having such a good conversation too. I was really bummed today and I still am.

[texaskdog]

I started at 23 and heck I was petrified too.  I did not think I was ever going to get a date.  Frankly over the years the less I cared the easier it was.  If you ask someone out and she says no you have lost nothing, actually gained just by being brave.  I know it is easy for me to say (and I have been married for over 3 years to someone I have been with for 7.5 so it has been a while) but really the key is just not to care so much....yes you would like to take her out, no your life is not any worse off if you do not.  She is human, do not put her on that pedestal.  That being said you can ask her out any way you like.  It might be better online as you will be more confident.  But have a plan where you would like to take her.  Try something creative based on what she likes, "dinner and a movie" is pretty basic.  Try an art museum, picnic, hiking, etc.  Good luck!!!!!!

[texaskdog]

BTW do not take her to the map museum...but if she likes that kind of thing, you have a keeper!!!!!!

[Brandon]

I'd suggest lunch or coffee instead of dinner and a movie to start.  Easier to just talk and get to know each other better that way.

[US 41]

I'd suggest lunch or coffee instead of dinner and a movie to start.  Easier to just talk and get to know each other better that way.

My plan was to ask her out to dinner Friday night after she got off work. Unfortunately that didn't happen because another cashier popped up. That was really irritating. I still had a good conversation with her though and I think I have made it pretty obvious that I do in fact like her.