Real Relationships in a Digital World?

[cpzilliacus]

N.Y. Times Room for Debate: Real Relationships in a Digital World?

A defense of online friendship, published in The New Republic, argues that intimacy can be found in both digital and physical realms, and that plenty of "real"  relationships play out solely on the Internet.

Can real relationships be forged between people who never meet? Do online-only friendships count?

[slorydn1]

I guess it all depends on what one's definition of a friend is.

If it's solely a person that one can hang out and grab a beer with then no, probably not. I do not subscribe to this theory, however.

I believe a friend is someone that I can trust, bare my soul to-a person that I know will not judge me and who will accept me for who I am, and that's a 2 way street.


I have many "traditional" friends spread throughout this country whether they be people that I grew up with, went to school with, worked with back in the day. I also have traditional friends right here at home, most of whom are colleagues at work. You will find that most of us in the public safety arena tend to cluster together (LEO's, EMT's, Fire-Fighters, Dispatchers) because alot of us feel like Joe Blow just doesn't get it. Don't feel bad, often times our own family members don't get it either, lol.


But, over my almost 20 year career, I have also managed to make friends outside of that public safety circle via the internet. I now have friends in other countries that I never would have met the traditional way. When I became a moderator at a European website dedicated to motorsports (they had to have a couple of token Yanks as they call us to oversee the Indy Car and NASCAR subforums) I really got to know the administrator who is British and the F1 mod who is Italian, and they really opened my eyes as to how the rest of the world views us-and I think I opened their eyes on how we view them.


When I really started getting into Mustangs and was getting ready to order my wife's car I joined a Mustang related forum. After a couple of years there I had built up numerous relationships with people strictly through the net I eventually was asked to join the staff as a moderator there. I don't know why people in charge of forums keep sustaining brain injuries that cause them to ask me to join their staff, I've always considered myself to be a bit of a wise-ass. Being a proper moderator kinda puts a crimp on that action as I'm sure any number of the staff here will tell you-a different topic for a different thread I'm sure. 


So yeah, I do think it's possible to have friends in people that one has never met face to face. Alot of you here have actually taken that next step and have actually met at roadgeek events. Some of you knew each other before this forum ever existed going back to the old MTR days. Most of us have not, however.


I haven't been around here very long, don't let my almost 3 year old join date fool you. I had forgotten that I had actually started the registration process way back when one day when my wife was working and I was doing some trip planning and I hadn't checked back until a little over a month ago.
So I really don't have any friends here yet, but I hope to make some down the road (pun intended).


Yeah, I know, if I keep being so long winded I probably won't have the opportunity to make any friends    so I'll zip it now. 

[bing101]

Anybody remember pen pals 30 years ago? When people form friendship or a dating relationship via snail mail?

[Desert Man]

I been in message boards as far back as the early 2000s, and I met thousands of people online, some I had close or strong friendships with, yet I never met them, seen their faces or heard their voices. Online friends are said to "not count" as friends, but I disagree...you get to know people on message boards and live chats as much in RL. I get told I should meet people face-to-face like volunteering for the community, attending a church or place of worship (which I don't belong to), a bar or club (I'm married now and I don't really drink) and even make any friends at my workplace (a grocery store chain in so CA). I know it can feel lonely or depressing to "meet" human beings through an electronic medium instead having a dinner or coffeehouse chat with...that's the way it is in the 2010s/21st century/new millennium. To chat with many various people to share my hobbies or interests from all walks of life and around the world is a wonderful experience, many I don't hear from again as some message boards I belonged to either close or I hadn't logged in for years.

[Pete from Boston]

I like to look people in the eye, shake their hand, hear them laugh, watch them be them.  I don't even use Facebook because I'm not interested in the electronic representation of my friends that I'd prefer to get together with, share food with, etc.

[hbelkins]

How many of us would have crossed path if not for online forums?

I'm trying, but I honestly can't think of anyone with whom I've interacted on MTR, on Roadgeek, on here or on one of the Facebook roads-related groups, or met at a meet, that I would have otherwise met.

[Dr Frankenstein]

It's possible. Some of my closest friends are (or were) strictly online friends. Last fall, I attended the wedding of two of those, whom I had never met beforehand (they met on the same forum I was on... so, online too). My mom never understood how that could even be possible. To her, they were inviting a total stranger to their wedding.

I've had a crush on two other online friends for years and I have yet to meet either of them (so far it's been a series of close but missed opportunities for various reasons, in both cases). I had not seen a picture of either of them before developing said crushes, although the surprise wasn't a bad one when I first saw their faces.

[Alps]

I met one of my closest friends online. We only met in reality about 8-10 years later - even after I had met several of her friends and mutual acquaintances. For many of us who are more introverted, it's a lot easier to open up and find commonality online than in person. That said, all of my other closest real-life friends, while I may have met one or two of them online, the friendship only became reality because we met in person.

[Big John]

I have extreme trouble making friends "in real life".  I have had an easier time doing it online and have met some of you in real life.  I still have trouble with certaqin aspects online as I have trouble talking in chat rooms for example.

[Laura]

How many of us would have crossed path if not for online forums?

I'm trying, but I honestly can't think of anyone with whom I've interacted on MTR, on Roadgeek, on here or on one of the Facebook roads-related groups, or met at a meet, that I would have otherwise met.

I was a lurker, and then I went to the Baltimore meet in 2010, and I became active on here and various road groups on Facebook. While I met many of you in person first, there were plenty of others that I met online first. And still others that I've talked to online only and can't wait to meet in person someday! This forum, chat, and Facebook have helped these friendships grow tremendously, whether there are in-person hangouts or not.

With the exception of Mike, none of that would have been possible without the Internet.


iPhone

[kj3400]

I never thought I'd meet anyone I knew on the internet, at least til I found out 3 of my Skype friends lived in DC, a mere hour train ride away. We got together, and I'm happy for it. They're good people. I would have never met them otherwise.

And even next weekend, I get a chance to meet more people I would have never met otherwise. I think it's great that you can meet someone like this.
I mean, if you don't like them, you never have to see them, but if you do get to know them and find out they're good people and you get an opportunity to meet them, then now you've made a friend.

[US71]

I've met 4 different ladies on the net, but the dynamics shifted when we met in person and things never worked out.

[bing101]

Well in my case my friendships started out in real life but turned into online only friendships when my friends had to move for job reasons.

[vdeane]

While online interaction brought me in to the roadgeek community, I have to say that the actual friendships with people are forged offline.

[cpzilliacus]

How many of us would have crossed path if not for online forums?

I'm trying, but I honestly can't think of anyone with whom I've interacted on MTR, on Roadgeek, on here or on one of the Facebook roads-related groups, or met at a meet, that I would have otherwise met.

Not many.  A few that I have met through interactions at professional groups, specifically ITE and TRB.

I should have added that I met my wife that way.  We are separated and have been for several years for things I have done wrong.

[Takumi]

I met only two people interested in roads before I joined the forum, and both were due to a different common interest. One is a member here and the other isn't.

[jeffandnicole]

I have extreme trouble making friends "in real life".  I have had an easier time doing it online and have met some of you in real life.  I still have trouble with certaqin aspects online as I have trouble talking in chat rooms for example.

I've always found I have trouble making friends in real life and via online.  I've been extremely let down numerous times because of such.  And when such a friendship did exist, once we separate for whatever reason (one moves, one retires or gets a different job), it tends to dissipate quickly.

[NE2]

Now try making friends in a suburban world when you've been living in your parents' basement back room (this is Florida) for ten years. Fuck feedback loops.

[6a]

I met my wife on a Fark forum 13 years ago.

[The Nature Boy]

Now try making friends in a suburban world when you've been living in your parents' basement back room (this is Florida) for ten years. Fuck feedback loops.

Even when you work and live outside your parent's house, making friends is hard. People underestimate how difficult it is to put yourself out there, especially in a new place. At least with an online community, you volunteer sought it out because of a shared interest. While there is the real life version of that, shared interest events are sparsely attended and groups naturally fizzle out.

[vdeane]

Now try making friends in a suburban world when you've been living in your parents' basement back room (this is Florida) for ten years. Fuck feedback loops.

Well, I guess we know know why you're anti-suburb/anti-car.  However, as tempting as it is to latch on something that, had it been different, would make one's life better, life is rarely that simple.  Even suburban kids make friends through school and playing on the street.  Some people simply make friends more easily than others, and it's simply due to how personalities mesh.  Someone who's more "vanilla" and has charisma and is extroverted will have the most friends.  Being introverted, less charismatic, or having a more interesting/non-conformist personality are all factors that can decrease the amount of friends that someone might make; society's a bitch that way.

[NE2]

Even suburban kids make friends through school and playing on the street.

Thanks for the suggestion. I'll hop in my age reversal machine and go back to school. Too bad the side effects are so horrible.

[PHLBOS]

How many of us would have crossed path if not for online forums?

I'm trying, but I honestly can't think of anyone with whom I've interacted on MTR, on Roadgeek, on here or on one of the Facebook roads-related groups, or met at a meet, that I would have otherwise met.

Same here... with one exception. 

Some of the Philly plane spotters (one of my other geek hobbies) that park along Hog island Road at PHL to snap pictures of planes coming in.  While some were/are on Airliners.net; many of them are on the more local PHLAirline.com site.

If I wasn't on those two aviation-themed sites; I still might've come into contact (& possibly made friends) with many who parked along Hog island Road.  It does help when the airport's only a few miles/minutes from where I live.  I've spent many a weekend afternoon out there.

[NE2]

Thread hijack/stupid question: where can I go to talk with random people? I'd probably get kicked out of a bar for not ordering anything.

[Pete from Boston]

Everywhere else, just not for long.  Bars seem to be the place society's designated for anything beyond brief conversations with random strangers.  Diner counters can work, since they are mostly specifically for individuals, but it's not as social, and people stay shorter times.

If there's music, you can pay a cover and your obligation to buy anything is kind of discharged. 

Everywhere else you have to be a particularly gifted conversationalist and able to not come off as creepy.  Sometimes just talking to strangers convicts you of the latter in some people's eyes.