Asking a girl on a date question (I'm 20)

[formulanone]

Ask her before you make yourself so nervous that you'll worry even more.

Don't over-calculate things.

Don't sell yourself short.

Don't lie, but don't be a pervert.

Don't tell her your life story.

Listen to her before you speak; ideally, let her talk 2/3 to 3/4 of the time.

A lady's smile is a wonderful thing.

(I have no opinion about how text and social media are supposed to work in courtship.)

[Takumi]

I'm going to note that it is somewhat amazing it took 8 years for this subject to come up on the forum. Did we just jump the shark?

There was that time blawp was asking us to narrow his dating options based on breast size...

[kphoger]

You mentioned being afraid of messing up.

Look here. If a girl can't handle you messing up, then she's not ready to be in a relationship. We're all human beings. Our insecurities and flaws aren't all the same, but we're all going to mess up something at some point, and we're going to mess up with that person. Don't be afraid to be awkward. Everyone's scared of something, and pushing through it makes you more attractive.

You know, if you ask on Facebook... You still do have to talk to her in real life later anyway, right?

For what it's worth, my wife (35 years old and married to me for ten years) says she doesn't see anything wrong with a Facebook PM. She also uses Facebook a lot more than I do, so there you go. As long as you're already friends in Facebook. If you're not, then she says not to friend-request her in order to ask her out that way.

[Rothman]

Text her or man up and ask her out face-to-face.  Accept workplace consequences if she refuses or because of a break-up. 

I am also against the "sometime" usage.  At least narrow it down to the weekend.

Vaya con Dios.

[nexus73]

Everyone in my age group has said that they think it's okay. I do think it would be better to ask her face to face, but I've tried that for nearly a month now and I still haven't done it. I'm still going to be nervous as hell if I send her a fb message, but I think it's a lot easier to hit the enter button.

I don't know. I might try again on Friday night. I was so close to actually asking her out today it's not even funny. Like I was to the point where I gave zero f**** until some random cashier popped up out of no where. Then I was like screw it. We were having such a good conversation too. I was really bummed today and I still am.

Snooze and you lose.  Keep losing and you'll wind up a loser living in your parents' basement.  You want that?  I don't think so!  Having a healthy fear of really failing should help get your ass in gear.  Man up!  You are only young once but you can be dumb forever...LOL!

Rick

[jwolfer]

Like the cliché:  what's the worst that can happen if you ask her out?

If you don't make a definative move, she will think you are not interested... You already talk, she has shared some of her life with you she likes you on some level and trusts you ... The danger here is FRIEND ZONE!! 

I heard "you are such a nice guy" so many times, because i was scared to ask girls out

LGMS428

[slorydn1]

You are already way ahead in the game. I say that because you two are talking already. You both know a lot about each other. The next time y'all are having a conversation about whatever it is you talk about just slip in the old "Hey, you wanna go grab a bite to eat when we get off work later?" It doesn't have to be a major production or anything like that-what will be most important is that you are spending time time together away from work.

Don't sweat the friend-zone thing that jwolfer speaks of, either. Yeah, I was like him in that 90% of girls that seemed interested in me only wanted to be friends. It got to be annoying after a while, yes-but one of those friendly relationships led to a pair of "I do's" and almost 18 years of marriage to date. I never would have asked her to marry me if it had not been for the advice from a number of my other "only friends" girls.

[NE2]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0pM5dm--yQ

[texaskdog]

It is funny, I did not keep in touch with hardly anyone from high school (graduated in 1987).  When I got on Facebook in 2008 and made a lot of friends I barely knew in HS, how many women said they wished I had asked them out back then, and I thought nobody liked me.  Met my current wife in 2009 so it all worked out in the end but I was my own worst enemy back then!  I.e. she may want you to ask her!!!

[vtk]

Be honest.

Don't try to calculate the approach that maximizes the odds she'll say yes. This is disrespectful of her choice. If you want to put that much thought into it, find the approach that lets her most easily be honest with her answer.

Asking via Facebook is fine. I met a nice guy in my first year of college, and over the summer he asked me to be his datemate* via email. We had a nice relationship for five months (my longest up to that time) when school resumed. It only ended because I was immature.

Dating a peer coworker is probably okay, unless you're both trying to make a career at that company. But it doesn't particularly sound like you are.

*datemate, n. gender-nonspecific synonym of boyfriend or girlfriend. Phil didn't use that word specifically, but implying I'm male might seem to lessen the value of my advice.

[Scott5114]

I think the key to asking someone on a date, which I didn't completely grasp until I had stumbled ass-backward into a relationship and therefore didn't need the realization anymore, is that you're not dealing with an Objective™ or a Mission™ or whatever, you're just dealing with another person. Dating is Big and Scary and a Huge Deal, but that's just because TV makes dating Big and Scary and a Huge Deal. Ideally, it shouldn't be any worse than asking someone to come over and play Mario Kart with you.

The easiest way to handle it is to reverse the situation and think of how you would like to be asked on a date if someone was interested in you. (Don't indulge in fantasies here, be realistic.) Then try that. Yes, it will be anxiety-inducing. Also, keep in mind that every girl is different and there is no one size fits all Trick To Doing It Right.

Do be sure that you're clear it's a date and not just friendly stuff, however. The much-maligned "friend zone" isn't something that you end up in through attrition. It's the result of bad communication. If someone thinks you are trying to be their friend and it turns out you have been trying to get in their pants they feel deceived, as if you had been lying to them the whole time and didn't really want to be their friend. The friend-turns-into-something-more trope tends to happen when people have an established friendship long enough that they know it's genuine and not just a tool for getting something more.


One of the first "dates" I went out on with my now-wife was actually a road trip. It was October so I asked her if she'd like to see the Talimena Drive. (That's Oklahoma SH-1 and Arkansas SH-88.) Trees changing, scenery, all that jazz. Since it ends in Mena, and Jeremy Lance is from there, I was able to get a restaurant recommendation from him.

Turned out to be a really good idea in retrospect. If you're a roadgeek, you'll probably want to go on a road trip with her at some point, so it's a good way to see if that's something she's into (or if she turns into one of those passengers from hell). The time in the car can be used for a decent conversation (something you can't really do in a movie). Plus, you're probably not going to be doing anything dirty while you're doing 55 down a two-lane road, so there's less pressure on that front.

Only problem is that some girls might feel uncomfortable being in a more remote area with a guy they don't know well. I'd recommend only suggesting it if the girl knows you well enough to trust you.

Also? Don't do the road-foaming thing, complaining about sign errors and what have you. Unless the girl thinks it's cute, like mine does. In which case you marry her, apparently.

[US 81]

I'd like to suggest a slightly different approach.

"Do you like coffee?  What kind of food do like? What movies do you like? Do you read books/like to visit bookstores? Do you like museums/have you been to the museum of ____?" etc (Ask until you get an enthusiastic response to something. If your first two or three don't work, stop and try again another day.
OR
Start with asking her what she likes to do or if she is a fan of something. If you don't know much about it, just say "Cool" then go Google it and find out what or where is good for that thing and after a few days follow up like above)

I really like the coffee at _____ and I would enjoy it if we went sometime."   "I've never been to the Museum of Yarn & String but I've heard it's cool - want to go sometime?" Then - and this is the important part - if she says 'yes' to 'sometime' ask her "When would be a good time to go?" or "What would work with your schedule?" She can offer a time and date and then you can negotiate sometime that works....OR she might say something like "Oh, I'm so busy with school and work, I just can't"   I recommend you follow up with something like "If you have more time at spring break/end of semester, I'd still be interested in X" or "well, if your schedule changes, I've always wanted to do the thing and it would be fun to go together."

Let the first date be "just friends" for the first part. At some point, you can work the conversation to how much fun you're having, how it would be nice to date each other, ask what she wants in a relationship and share what you want in a relationship, etc. At the end, ask if she would like to go out again....

[Max Rockatansky]

At your age I can certainly understand that this would be a difficult question, it didn't become easy for me until I was about 23-24.  By then I was a lot more confident in myself since I had a pretty strong career going on and really gotten on the track on who/what I wanted to be as kid.  So really the first part is having confidence in yourself and not worrying about the fear of rejection.  That might not be the easiest thing to overcome but literally it is probably half the battle.

The odd thing is that I really never felt like that the traditional "do you want to go on a date" lines worked for me.  Generally most relationships I had started just by having general conversations about things, most those led to talk about common interests.  It became pretty apparent to me after awhile that if a woman likes you, then she'll keep talking to you.  Granted if you don't act on things quickly it can put you in the "friend zone" as someone else put it and usually you can tell because the conversations won't be as frequent because she lost interest.  Generally what has worked for me is finding some sort of common activity and asking if they would like to tag along?  Oddly someone mentioned Mario Kart and despite me being twice your age that actually worked once with my ex-fiance. 

Granted, I've generally known women I've dated for a little while before actually doing so....maybe there was a little bit more comfort level there?  I've generally found that it things were a lot easier when I wasn't "looking" for a relationship and it just sort of happened naturally.  I think social media might be okay for your generation, it seems like it is part of how regular conversations are had nowadays.  Regardless the biggest issue I see for you is overcoming the confidence barrier.

[mgk920]

"Wanna do lunch?" and see where things go.



Mike

[jeffandnicole]

(If I bore you, just skip down to the 2nd to last paragraph...)

Back in high school, I never went out on a date.  Hell, I didn't really have any friends.  I did however have a really, really bad overbite. Not having the ability to deal with the teasing, I was typically teased and stayed away from.  I was extremely shy.  I wasn't athletic either, usually picked last on the teams.   

I cringe today when I read about all this bullying stuff.  I lived thru it for 12 years (and in many ways, college wasn't much better, although I did finally come across a few people who became good friends there).  I especially shake my head when I read on Facebook about the people that complain about how their kids are getting bullied and teased.  These people are often the same ones that teased me.  Yeah...I really don't have much sympathy for them, although I do feel bad for their kids.  No doubt at least they have friends to hang out with. I didn't.

So, after that backstory in a nut-shell, the closest I guess I could say I came to a date when I was in high school was when someone said they liked me in 8th grade (someone I knew since she moved into the school when we were in 6th grade).  But I ignored it, not knowing if this was some sort of setup, and I was shy anyway.  Never again in school did I meet up or go out with a girl.  Not even for my proms. 

Thru various activities at church and such (habitat-for-humanity type groups) I did become friends with some girls, but was still overly shy so I never really went out with any of them.  I actually did try one time with one girl; drove up to meet her and things, but that date kinda fell apart.

As a sophomore in college I started dating one girl on campus who was a freshman.  She was in the same boat more/less, never really dated before, etc.  But I would still go home on the weekends to work at my job at a bowling alley. That's where one girl spotted me, and would occasionally talk to me.  She bowled in a league the same night I worked.  I eventually started talking to her a little as well.  She became friends with others in the bowling alley, which worked out well so we all had at least some things in common.  I did tell her I had another girlfriend in college though.  But she continued to talk to me.

Eventually, after 6 months, I finally asked her out, to see the movie The Santa Clause.  Note...and finally bringing a point relevant to this topic: I was 19, and by now had really only dated one person that lasted more than one day.  This whole courtship type stuff went on for 6 MONTHS!  So you are perfectly find taking your time getting to know her at work and enjoying some small-talk with her.

Overly-long story short, that's the Nicole in my username.  We haven't killed each other since that date in November, 1994.  She swears she didn't think I was the road junkie I was until after we got married.  Maybe she thought I really liked her when we went on trips together...maybe she didn't realize I wanted to go on those trips just to check out the roads! Haha

So, the point of all that was, don't sweat it.  If you two already talk on Messenger, I would think asking someone out via Messenger is not much different than if someone where to ask someone out via passed note in class many years ago.  Keep it simple...no need to ramble.  Just say, hey, after work, or before work, wanna grab coffee, or lunch or dinner or a snack (depending on the time, of course).  If there's a group of you that tend to talk, you can even make it a group event at first to make it a little less awkward.  And yeah, don't bring up roads too much just yet!

BTW, to show how life has worked out:  I'm FB friends with many of those I went to school with, although I don't exactly have everyday conversations with them.  In fact, it's still a little awkward if I have an actual conversation, knowing that I probably talked to them more in that conversation than I did the entire 12 years I went to school with them.  If anything, I get a little jealous and even upset when they show pictures of them and their friends from back in the day, knowing I was never part of any of those groups.  Some of them will say they never went out on dates much either when they were in school, although they certainly were very friendly and would hang out with many people from the opposite sex.  My friends from the church groups, similarly I lost track of but reconnected on FB.  And the girl I went out with in college: After I went on my date and several others with Nicole, I finally broke up with that other person...2 months later!!  I lost touch with her, but tried looking her up on Facebook.  Surprisingly, I couldn't find her.  So I did a Google search.  And I finally found her.  And I kept reading about her.  I told my wife, you gotta come read this!  Apparently she was convicted of embezzlement and was in jail for 2 years!   Damn shame I missed out on that! LOL

[hbelkins]

I have no great advice to offer, because I've been married for nearly 22 years and dating and intrapersonal interactions have changed a lot during that time.

I will say, however, that this thread brings up a lot of memories. I was somewhat of a geek or nerd in high school and was very self-conscious about my appearance and my weight (if only I knew back then that I was positively skinny compared to now). I was also painfully shy. I didn't have a real relationship until my junior year of college, and I kinda stumbled into that. It faltered after about two years and I was still shy into my adulthood and afraid of rejection. I also was in the "friend zone" with far too many females, which was more negative than positive for my self-esteem. I had a bunch of failed relationships, in large part because I tried too hard and was juggling that aspect of my life with a busy and successful professional life.

I will note, however, like someone else upthread, that I've heard from a lot of old acquaintances from my single days who have hinted at, or come right out and told me, that they had a crush on me or would have dated me.

There's a lyric in "Walk This Way" that was written just for me. Can anyone guess? One thing that always stuck with me was when a friend told me that a group of girls in high school were discussing the guys. When my name came up, they said that they thought I would be "a good provider." Not exactly what a hormonally-charged teen male wants to hear. I guess it's flattering in a way that some of them looked at me as possible future good marriage material, but that didn't help me get laid back then. So that became a joke between me and my wife years later, but when financial hardships hit and I wasn't even able to be a good provider, that was a hard pill to swallow.

[Rothman]

Have to say that a Mormon mission did wonders for me.  After knocking on hundreds of doors, asking a girl out was a piece of cake and had a higher success rate.

[NE2]

I have no great advice to offer, because I've been married for nearly 22 years and dating and intrapersonal interactions have changed a lot during that time.

How have interactions within your own mind changed?

[Rothman]

I have no great advice to offer, because I've been married for nearly 22 years and dating and intrapersonal interactions have changed a lot during that time.

How have interactions within your own mind changed?

He keeps the demons under better control.

[kphoger]

I'd like to suggest a slightly different approach.

"Do you like coffee?  What kind of food do like? What movies do you like? Do you read books/like to visit bookstores? Do you like museums/have you been to the museum of ____?" etc (Ask until you get an enthusiastic response to something. If your first two or three don't work, stop and try again another day.
OR
Start with asking her what she likes to do or if she is a fan of something. If you don't know much about it, just say "Cool" then go Google it and find out what or where is good for that thing and after a few days follow up like above)

I really like the coffee at _____ and I would enjoy it if we went sometime."   "I've never been to the Museum of Yarn & String but I've heard it's cool - want to go sometime?" Then - and this is the important part - if she says 'yes' to 'sometime' ask her "When would be a good time to go?" or "What would work with your schedule?" She can offer a time and date and then you can negotiate sometime that works....OR she might say something like "Oh, I'm so busy with school and work, I just can't"   I recommend you follow up with something like "If you have more time at spring break/end of semester, I'd still be interested in X" or "well, if your schedule changes, I've always wanted to do the thing and it would be fun to go together."

Let the first date be "just friends" for the first part. At some point, you can work the conversation to how much fun you're having, how it would be nice to date each other, ask what she wants in a relationship and share what you want in a relationship, etc. At the end, ask if she would like to go out again....

^ ^ ^ This is the best advice I've read on here so far.  The first part really solves the schedule dilemma.  And the last few sentences are important:  until you've hung out for a while and become friends, you don't really know how far you want the relationship to go.



(Full disclosure:  I've only ever been in two relationships.  My first one was cart-before-the-horse; we started having sex within weeks of meeting, I got her pregnant, we were madly in love, then she fell out of love but I didn't.  When the relationship was really crumbling, I asked her to marry me and she said no.  I was lonely for a little while and then asked a coworker how to find a wife.  He replied, 'At church.'  I said, 'That takes too long.'  Then he said, 'The internet.'  So that's what I did.  I signed up for a free seven-day trial on a dating website.  I was contacted by one person, a young lady who had also signed up for a free seven-day trial but was only looking for a friend; I'm the only person she contacted.  We exchanged email addresses (against the rules), then let our membership elapse while we emailed back and forth.  Soon we switched to the telephone; that was awkward for the first couple of times, then the flood gates of conversation opened up.  We fell in love over the phone.  Early on, she asked me what I wanted in our relationship, and we both made it clear we wanted to end up married–and this was all before we'd ever met face to face.  Within the year, she moved 500 miles to be closer to me.  April will be our 11th wedding anniversary.

All this is to say, I might not be the best person to take dating advice from.  It's also to say that a lot of great relationships begin in unusual ways, and how it starts off doesn't necessarily correlate to how it ends up.

[TXtoNJ]

I think the key to asking someone on a date, which I didn't completely grasp until I had stumbled ass-backward into a relationship and therefore didn't need the realization anymore, is that you're not dealing with an Objective™ or a Mission™ or whatever, you're just dealing with another person. Dating is Big and Scary and a Huge Deal, but that's just because TV makes dating Big and Scary and a Huge Deal. Ideally, it shouldn't be any worse than asking someone to come over and play Mario Kart with you.

The easiest way to handle it is to reverse the situation and think of how you would like to be asked on a date if someone was interested in you. (Don't indulge in fantasies here, be realistic.) Then try that. Yes, it will be anxiety-inducing. Also, keep in mind that every girl is different and there is no one size fits all Trick To Doing It Right.

Do be sure that you're clear it's a date and not just friendly stuff, however. The much-maligned "friend zone" isn't something that you end up in through attrition. It's the result of bad communication. If someone thinks you are trying to be their friend and it turns out you have been trying to get in their pants they feel deceived, as if you had been lying to them the whole time and didn't really want to be their friend. The friend-turns-into-something-more trope tends to happen when people have an established friendship long enough that they know it's genuine and not just a tool for getting something more.

This is good advice.

It's not the end of the world if she says no. You're a good person regardless of whether she says yes or no.

You can't negotiate desire. It's an unconscious process. That means there are plenty of girls you won't get, but there are plenty you can start a relationship with. Bounce back quickly if she doesn't desire a romantic/sexual relationship with you.

Be bold. Don't fish for information before asking her out to do something. Suggest something. If she says no, move on, she's likely not interested. If she says no and suggests something else, jump on it - she's interested in hanging out with you, just not that activity.

You will be most successful if you focus on enjoying the process of dating, and ignore the prospects of either having sex with the woman, or starting a relationship. Those things will come in time if you enjoy spending time with one another.

[texaskdog]

Well said Jeff!  I was bullied and made me feel like I was inferior to everyone.

And to add to what US81 said, once I knew a girl was a vegetarian and I surprised her with a trip to the vegetarian restaurant.  If you like her take a little time to find out her likes and dislikes. It should be easy as the average person loves to talk about themselves.  Then she will be glad you remembered!

[jwolfer]

Like others have said.. As you get older and if you talk to some people from high school you'll discover things like the girl you were afraid to ask out was waiting for you to ask her

If she says no... Dont let it devistate you.. She may have someone she likes already. She may have had a bad relationship and just not ready to date.. She may be a lesbian....  Dont assume its you.

In college i was really into a girl that was in my circle of friends.  We went on a road trip from Jax to Washington D.C. so i could visit my brother and she could visit her best friend.. I asked her out.. She was into my friend /roommate.. I was very upset..but I did not let it deter me.  I met my wife of 18 years a year later.  We have 3 great kids. (We are now divorced but i have moved on from that. We remain friends. That is another story)

The advantage you have is you already know her, its not like she is a stranger in a bar etc.

Now that you started this thread you have to let everyone know how it goes!

LGMS428

[Pete from Boston]

She smiles when she talks to you.

Let me say that again: SHE SMILES WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU. She has also shared details of her personal life with you. All this points to her liking you. That doesn't necessarily mean she's interested in you, but she at least likes you as a friend. And, if any of what you've mentioned about her past is true, then she probably has a real need for a good, drama-free friend. The way you build a friendship (or any other relationship) is by spending time together talking, and the way you do that is to ASK HER to spend time with you.

You don't know her work schedule? That's fine. Pick a donut shop and three different times/days you're available. One of them is bound to work or, if not, you'll be halfway to a date.

Other people around, not so good. It's awkward for everyone, it puts her in a spot, it's embarrassing if she says no. Figure out a way to steal a minute. For a cashier, that pretty much means the break room or before or after work. Talk to her in person. Getting her number from sometime else is kind of stalky, texting is barely better than Facebook.

If she weren't friendly towards you, then I could see her maybe being put off by your asking her out. But SHE SMILES WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU. This means she'll still be a happy acquaintance even if she says no, and you'll be no worse off.

Those hints might be hints. But it's been my experience that some girls that age who've had a dirty past are open about it with everyone; I think it's their way of trying to accept their past and move on, and to not wear a mask. I wouldn't read too much into it until you get to know her better.

So stop agonizing.
You want to get to know her.
Ask her out.
In person.
Like a respectable man.
It's hard for everyone the first time.
She won't hate you.
You'll be fine.
She'll probably say yes.
SHE SMILES WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU.

Yes. This.

She's your friend and trusts and likes you. Just find some casual activity for the two of you, and do it. Don't make a big deal out of it being a date. Don't even think of it as one. Just think of it as a fun time the two of you will have together.

Yes, ask her in person.  You'll both feel better.  A casual bite to eat after work simply establishes the idea of you guys spending time one-on-one.  And then you ask her about herself, and you are honest about yourself, and trust builds, etc.

Relax and have fun.  Lower the pressure for yourself, with the goal be to have a nice time.  These things don't happen unless you do. It might work out, it might not.   Don't dwell on that now.

(I know, who am I, but the woman that left me after 8 1/2 years says I'm very emotionally well-adjusted. )

[texaskdog]

Okay I will try not to sound sexist here but women will generally not come out and say what they think.  They will throw you bad hints and expect you to pick up on them.  Often they keep making the hints more obvious and being a guy you will never get it.  So she may be trying but she'll beat around the bush, rather than express her own interest.  My wife and I and another couple were talking about this one day, with his wife explaining how her hints kept getting more obvious, rather than "why didn't you just ask me directly".  I have some level of autism that apparently does not pick up on people's non-verbal cues too LOL.