Asking a girl on a date question (I'm 20)

[nexus73]

Have to say that a Mormon mission did wonders for me.  After knocking on hundreds of doors, asking a girl out was a piece of cake and had a higher success rate.

Try going a month in car sales with zero success due to a completely collapsed economy...LOL!  The tough times sure do make us appreciate anything easier coming along!

Rick

[kphoger]

Speaking of blasts from the past in high school...

The most popular girl in my high school class once asked me out on a date.  I was the least popular boy in my class, so I assumed it was a joke and I turned her down.  She wasn't in my crowd at all.  ('Crowd' is used loosely here, as I lived in a town of 1200 people, and my class was large at 49 graduating.)  I graduated in 1999.

Now I live in Wichita, and a coworker of mine is related to people from the area I grew up in.  His cousin is a former governor who is from that small town.  Said former governor's brother (and therefore another cousin of my coworker's) is not exactly what you'd call everyone's dream man:  he loves his dog and he loves football, he still works the family farm but never really showed any big ambitions.  He's also my parents' age.  Well, guess who got married and started a family?  When I found out recently, I called my dad and said, 'Guess who T___ F_____ married and has kids with?  Who would you consider the least eligible bachelor in town?'  And he knew exactly who I meant.  I've Facebook-stalked them, and their posts and their pictures reveal a happily married couple who has fun being together.  And everything my coworker hears from that side of the family confirms it.

At around your age, people stop worrying about who seems right for them, stop worrying about failing, stop playing that game.  They start wanting to settle into a good life with someone, and who that someone is might surprise them and everyone else around them.

[kkt]

Everyone's uncomfortable at first, but going ahead despite discomfort is an important skill.  Sounds like she's sending some signals that she likes you.  She's just as trapped by sex roles as you are - she has to wait for you to ask.  So, ask casually.  Coffee, lunch, a bite to eat after work.  If that conversation goes well, ask to trade numbers.  Then no more having to catch her alone at work.  Ask for a specific time and activity.  If she's busy then but interested in you, don't worry, she'll let you know.

To your original question about whether to ask in person or facebook, I'd go with in person.  Show that you're willing to accept some discomfort in order to talk to her.

[Otto Yamamoto]

A rather famous former co-worker of mine (Google Malcolm "Mac" Kilduff if you wish) had a saying about workplace relationships.

"Don't get your meat where you get your bread."

And now I'm craving a sandwich.

XT1254

[texaskdog]

The more you think about it the more nervous and crazy it will make you.  She is just a person, just like you.

[spitball]

texasdog has it right...

I didn't learn for a long time the axiom that it is best to be yourself and let the chips fall where they may.  Until you actually ask her out, and go out with her, everything is just in your head, including the thoughts of how good it all could be.  This also builds up the stress over possible rejection. 

There's no reason to make the asking anything elaborate or romantic, just blurt it out..."Hey, let's {get coffee/play D&D/study Dianetics  } sometime"...or whatever.  By her response you'll know what comes next, either setting the date or saying "OK" and moving on to the next girl whom you find interesting.

Good luck!!

EDIT: PS - And definitely do it in person, not in text of any kind!

[TXtoNJ]

I think nowadays, texting is fine. It's an intimate form of communication. Back in the day, people would ask each other out by passing notes in class, and it's really no different.

[jeffandnicole]

Full disclosure...

Really cool story, and funny awesome how it came together via 2 free trials!

As I mentioned in my story, I really didn't have that many girlfriends.  Really, only 2 true ones, as mentioned.  None in high school.  In college there was a friend along the lines of friends-with-benefits, but not a true girlfriend.  Several other girls that were friends, but that's it.

The ones that went out with different guys all the time, or long-term relationships?  Most aren't together.  Many have gone thru divorces.  So whatever happened when you're young, such as younger than 20...don't worry about it.  In life's long twists and turns, it doesn't matter what went on then, because it's not really reflective of what the future will hold.

I also get lucky in another way: I tend to have more girls as friends; my wife, more guys as friends.  We are both perfectly fine with that.  That doesn't work in many relationships, but we're cool with it.  But really, we don't have all that many friends in total.  We also tend to do things ourselves.  Most of our vacations are just us two.  Most of the time we spend at the house is just us (well, my mom-in-law lives with us too, but she's good with everything, and loves me to death, so no issues there).  We still tend to be private people overall...although what I broadcast on fb may cause some people to question that! lol

[Max Rockatansky]

A rather famous former co-worker of mine (Google Malcolm "Mac" Kilduff if you wish) had a saying about workplace relationships.

"Don't get your meat where you get your bread."

And now I'm craving a sandwich.

XT1254

Me too, one from Publix...good deli meat and great bread. 

[AsphaltPlanet]

One of the things that strikes me about this discussion is how easy it is for a person to live in their own head.  These lessons that people share are things that probably everybody hears from time to time, and knows, but for some reason or another can forget.

It's easy to make the world out to be a much more difficult place to live than it actually is.

Good luck to you OP.

[US 41]

Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!

The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. 

[TXtoNJ]

Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!

The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. 

Don't overthink it. Just ask her.

[corco]

If she knows it's coming you need to act NOW or you'll look like you have no testicles.

Also now you really have nothing to lose! With a new set of facts this just went from moderate risk:high reward to no risk:high reward. You actually risk harming your current relationship more now if you don't ask her out than if you do.

[cjk374]

If she knows it's coming you need to act NOW or you'll look like you have no testicles.

Also now you really have nothing to lose! With a new set of facts this just went from moderate risk:high reward to no risk:high reward. You actually risk harming your current relationship more now if you don't ask her out than if you do.

1000% correct! Ask her now!

I think nowadays, texting is fine. It's an intimate form of communication. Back in the day, people would ask each other out by passing notes in class, and it's really no different.

The big difference between texting & notes in class:  both parties are physically present in the same room when the hand-written note was passed from one to another (and sometimes between an extra party or two along the way). A note is personal. I think face-to-face means more than a text message. It is a sign of confidence that will excite her a bit more.

[chays]

Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!

The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. 

Your friends wouldn't be excited for you, and wouldn't tell you to go for it, if they thought you wouldn't get the answer you want.  Go for it.

[Brandon]

Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!

The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. 

I'd say it's time to take the plunge.

[LM117]

Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!

The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. 

If you don't ask her out now, you'll probably be kicking yourself in the ass till kingdom come. Go for it!

[slorydn1]

Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!

[1995hoo]

Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!

That's moving pretty quickly for a first date.

[slorydn1]

Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!

That's moving pretty quickly for a first date.

I didn't mean it THAT way!!

[formulanone]

Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!

That's moving pretty quickly for a first date.

Some would say you have to tie the knot before doing it...with Nikes.

[texaskdog]

Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!

The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. 

Stop trying to think of what she is thinking   you can never know.   good luck!!!

[1995hoo]

Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!

That's moving pretty quickly for a first date.

I didn't mean it THAT way!!

That's why I used that particular smiley!

[cl94]

Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!

The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. 

If you don't ask her out now, you'll probably be kicking yourself in the ass till kingdom come. Go for it!

THIS. I'm still kicking myself over not asking a couple of girls out in high school. High school. I'm a Ph.D. student now. Yes, rejection sucks, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. People who are sane just shrug it off.

And yes, texting is more than fine. Honestly, most of my communications with people are via text or Facebook Messenger. That and, if you don't want an answer immediately, you can turn your phone off and wait until you're ready.

[Pete from Boston]

Be her friend, but be a really nice friend.  Women want to know they matter to you, and are attracted a lot by that.

Men too, for that matter.