Humor: Anthropologists Classify 43 New Species Of Weirdo Within Subway Ecosystem

[cpzilliacus]

The Onion: Anthropologists Classify 43 New Species Of Weirdo Within Subway Ecosystem

NEW YORK–In a discovery that has greatly expanded the scientific community's fundamental understanding of oddballs, a team of anthropologists from Columbia University announced Friday the identification of 43 new species of weirdo residing within the New York City subway system.

The findings, set to be published in the July issue of Science, are the culmination of 10 years of research spent observing weirdos in their natural habitat of subway cars and platforms throughout the New York metropolitan area, where the peculiar creatures groom themselves, feign seizures, nibble on raw kale, scratch the same word exactly 63 times into train car windows, masturbate through their pants, and scream at no one in particular.