Your favorite joke?

[ColossalBlocks]

What's everyone's favorite joke to tell?


Here's mine: Why are cockroaches not popular? They're utter cocks to everyone.   

[cjk374]

Life is my favorite joke of all. You can make it as funny or as serious as you wish, and the hell with what everyone else thinks. The choice is yours.

[allniter89]

From the late great Johnny Carson, doing his Carnac routine. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76wzA2A2T1Q&list=PLMZEzi_mvRx8OybTt02H6I6ssdyHRxPAS&t=2s&index=1 

[US71]

From the late great Johnny Carson, doing his Carnac routine. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76wzA2A2T1Q&list=PLMZEzi_mvRx8OybTt02H6I6ssdyHRxPAS&t=2s&index=1 

Classic!

[Ned Weasel]

A man walks into a bar and says "ouch."

[US71]

[inkyatari]

One time an elderly couple were on vacation in the Soviet Union.  They decided to take a tour of Moscow. 

"Hello, My name is Rudolph.  Today we'll be driving around the city, but first we're going to wait for the rain to stop."

The husband said to the tour driver "Are you sure that's rain?  It looks like snow to me."

Rudolph replied "Oh yes, I'm certain it's rain."

The husband replied, "I think you're wrong.  It looks a lot like snow to me!"

The wife chimed in "Don't make a fuss.  I'm sure Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[US71]

*sigh*
I feel I must apologize in advance to a few who may take offense.


In the SCA I have a friend who goes by the name of T'Ger. Decent guy overall, make his living sewing clothes for historic re-enactors.  He's a Vegetarian, but is also Gay. It used to be a common for someone to walk up to him and clam he can't be a Vegetarian because by his own admission, he eats meat.

   

[ColossalBlocks]

*sigh*
I feel I must apologize in advance to a few who may take offense.


In the SCA I have a friend who goes by the name of T'Ger. Decent guy overall, make his living sewing clothes for historic re-enactors.  He's a Vegetarian, but is also Gay. It used to be a common for someone to walk up to him and clam he can't be a Vegetarian because by his own admission, he eats meat.

   

A sexaul and extremely politically incorrect joke... I like it.

[HazMatt]

[sparker]

OK -- as long as we're venturing into the realm of sexual & social mores, here's one that was relayed to me by my GF, who originally heard it in the hospital where she works. 

Divorced dad has his 8-year-old son for the weekend; he also has a big date planned for Saturday night.  He's in his room getting ready for the date and he decides to be fully prepared for what may occur, so he takes a condom out of the box, intending to put it in his nightstand.  When he turns around to go into the bedroom, he sees his son standing there.  The son points to the condom in his hand and asks "What are you doing with that, Daddy?".  Not yet having had the "talk" with the kid -- and unaware of what his ex may have told him -- he racks his brain trying to put together a story -- and he comes up with this:

The dad opens the condom packet, pulls out the condom, and unrolls it to full length.  He then says to his son while waving the condom around "Earlier I saw a little mouse running around here, and I thought I'd go after it!"

The kid looks at him a bit funny and replies "So what are you going to do when you catch it......fuck it?"

(A fitting story considering the relative sophistication of today's youth)

[CNGL-Leudimin]

I like jokes involving the people of a town not far from where I live. For example the how many people are needed to install (or to replace) a lightbulb is one of them. Another one involves tying the shoes: It's said they put one foot on a chair and tie the other shoe.

[tribar]

The Hypotenuse.

[roadman]

I generally can't recall jokes for the life of me.  However, I've remembered this one over the years, probably because it was a favorite joke of one of my high school teachers.

A scoutmaster is preparing his charges for a week-long camping trip, to be held deep in the woods.  About midway through his lecture about the general requirements of outdoor living "in the wild" and basic camping and survival skills, he decides to test the scouts to see what they've learned so far.  He states to them:

"So, say we're hiking and you get separated from the others.  What do you do?"

A scout replies:  "I'd head back to the campsite."

The scoutmaster says "Good.  But, what if while hiking back, you encounter a bear that starts charging towards you.  What do you do?"

Another scout then answers  "Well, I'd run away from the bear."

The scoutmaster replies  "Good, you'd run away.  Now say, while running from the bear, you come to a road.  On the other side of the road are two buildings.  One's a vacant cabin, and the other's a church where a congregation is holding services.  Where do you go?"

A third scout then replies "I'd run across the road and into the church."

The scoutmaster says "OK.  You'd run into the church.  With a bear behind?"

[GaryV]

The Hypotenuse.

What's another name for "Occupied" on a plane?

[adventurernumber1]

One of my favorite teachers that I've had in High School told a lot of funny jokes, of which I still vividly remember a few:


Joke # 1 => Question: What does a fish say when it hits a wall?

                    Answer: Dam!


Joke # 2 => Question: How do you scare a bee?

                    Answer: You say "Boo-bee!"


Joke # 3 => Question: If there are two potatoes sitting on the side of the road, how do you know which one is the prostitute?

                    Answer: It has a sticker on it that says "Idaho."

Joke # 4 => Question: If a quiz is quizzical, then what is a test?

                    Answer: Testicle.


Those jokes always crack me up. 

[1995hoo]

Hopefully a certain person can just laugh at the jokes instead of trying to turn it into political sniping.

http://youtu.be/mN3z3eSVG7A

http://youtu.be/Xjv082CPz9g

http://youtu.be/QK3Eo9cScEQ

[CNGL-Leudimin]

Now I remember what is my real favorite joke: To say a city's outermost suburbs are already in the next city over . This is especially true in the case of Zaragoza's northernmost neighborhood, which I say it's already in my hometown despite it's still over half a hour away in driving time.

[wxfree]

No. 1: [Joke censored due to obscenity.]

No. 2: [Joke censored due to political content.]

No. 3: An archaeology joke: http://www.kibitzspot.com/jewish-hieroglyphics/

[1995hoo]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac were all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat," said the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again, and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."



A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is OK to use the new device. The couple agree and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still feels nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

[Takumi]

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is OK to use the new device. The couple agree and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still feels nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Socially awkward moment: telling this joke to a man whose wife cheated on him. (I didn't know this at the time.)

[nexus73]

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Two.

Rick

[hotdogPi]

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Two.

Rick

I don't get it.

[wxfree]

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Two.

Rick

I don't get it.

I don't, either.  How did they get inside the light bulb?

[21stCenturyRoad]

I have an eating disorder, I'm going to eat dis order of nuggets, dis order of fries, and dis order of soda.

Puberty jokes aren't funny at all. Period.