For those of you who don’t have (or want) children

[golden eagle]

I'll be 45 in less than two months and never had children. At this point, what's the use in having them? People do ask me sometimes why I don't and/or if I do want children. If I had a kid now, I'll be on Social Security by the time he or she graduates. I've come up with another reason as to why I don't have children: I'm afraid they may be ugly!

[csw]

neat

[ozarkman417]

Having a child is, In a sense, a gamble. It can be a drain on the wallet but there are a variety of factors when it comes to that, from predetermined medical reasons to having the power of saying "no" when they want to get something they really don't need..
Your child could be valuable, being popular in school and getting lots of awards & scholarships, or they could be a sad sack of shit like me.

[index]

If I ever had kids I'd probably forget they exist then they'd die of starvation or something. I have awful habits, forget about basic tasks a lot (and I suspect I may have ADHD too)...Now imagine me with children.

[Max Rockatansky]

Everyone I know who has kids looks overwhelmed and constantly stressed out.  Worse, they seem to lack mobility or really the means to do the things they want.  I look at my own life at almost 37 years and that kind of thing spooks me or makes me at least hesitant about kids.  Money really isn't thing at this point that worries me, it is lack of freedom.  I almost think that it would have been easier earlier in life but I wasn't married until recently and had zero interest in kids outside of marriage.

[mgk920]

I agree on the confining aspects of parenthood, but many who are parents consider the entire experience to be a blessing rather than a curse.

As for me, if anyone asks me why I have none (that I know of, as I often reply), I explain that it is mainly due to one seriously important prerequisite - being born as I was without the basic abilities to relate to people, I have never had a way with women.  To me they have always been little more than unapproachable strange alien creatures.



Mike

[csw]

yikes, this is a depressing thread.

[Rothman]

I can't be the only roadgeek that has kids?

[Max Rockatansky]

I agree on the confining aspects of parenthood, but many who are parents consider the entire experience to be a blessing rather than a curse.

Really?  Almost all of mine who broach the topic say they wish they hadn't had kids and even sometimes that they wish they hadn't gotten married.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that people actually know what they are missing out on these days given how much of the world is at your finger tips via the internet.  What also hurts the case for kids is that it is more expensive to have them than really ever before and there is no ROI.  At least my cousins in Minnesota had to work on the family farm and actually produce until they were 18.  I was essentially my Dad's lacky in terms of construction and maintenance until we downsized from several acres to a condo. 

[Rothman]

Well, consider me your first parent that doesn't regret having kids.  I do know many other parents that are happily married and happily raise their kids.  They'll admit it is work, but very much worth it.

I think there's some bias here.  Roadgeeks seem to be a solitary bunch overall.  Being social isn't a priority and in some cases are difficult due to being on the spectrum or having other characteristics.  It would be little wonder that roadgeeks in general devalue family life and relationships to some degree.

[PHLBOS]

I can't be the only roadgeek that has kids?

One female user on this site, Laura, just recently had a baby (Lorraine aka Rainee); so you're not the only one.

[Max Rockatansky]

Well, consider me your first parent that doesn't regret having kids.  I do know many other parents that are happily married and happily raise their kids.  They'll admit it is work, but very much worth it.

I think there's some bias here.  Roadgeeks seem to be a solitary bunch overall.  Being social isn't a priority and in some cases are difficult due to being on the spectrum or having other characteristics.  It would be little wonder that roadgeeks in general devalue family life and relationships to some degree.

Speaking for myself it isn't a social thing, I just simply could have had the life I have now if I had kids in my 20s.  From a dollar and cents perspective really someone needs to be all in with that or it isn't going to be good for the parents or the child/children.  Aside from the money aspect the biggest misgiving is that it hampers mobility.  In my case I've moved across the country four times in the last two decades for work. When I was a kid my Dad did the same thing and it definitely had a negative effect on me and my siblings, or at least at the time was hard due instability not being the forte usually of someone under 18.  My Dad probably was held back in his career due to family and children but I think back then it was more expected to have those attachments in the business world out of obligation rather than something you wanted. 

[webny99]

many who are parents consider the entire experience to be a blessing rather than a curse.

Uh, yeah, doesn't that go without saying? It baffles me how anyone could even say the opposite.
I would even go so far as to say if you think it's a curse, you are the problem, not your kids.

yikes, this is a depressing thread.

Yeah... and I envision it going off the rails fairly quickly too...

[1995hoo]

My wife is unable to have children, so that makes it easy. I knew this before we got married, and it was more important to me to be with her than it was to have kids. I don't think I would be a very good father anyway for a variety of reasons, and that's something I've thought about several times this summer because my father's death in July caused me to reflect on all sorts of things. I couldn't have been half the father my dad was, and I don't think that would be fair to a kid. I was very lucky to have an outstanding father who devoted a lot of time to us.

Plus, frankly, my career took a turn in 2008 that would have made raising kids a serious financial struggle.

[Max Rockatansky]

many who are parents consider the entire experience to be a blessing rather than a curse.

Uh, yeah, doesn't that go without saying? It baffles me how anyone could even say the opposite.
I would even go so far as to say if you think it's a curse, you are the problem, not your kids.

yikes, this is a depressing thread.

Yeah... and I envision it going off the rails fairly quickly too...

How is it depressing?  I don't consider it depressing at all that I don't have any kids at this point. It was absolutely 100% the correct choice to make within the circumstances I had and what I wanted to make with them.  And yes, to a lot of people having kids is literally the worst thing that has happened to them planned or not.  Even if someone thought that way it doesn't make them by default a terrible parent. 

[hbelkins]

I know a number of roadgeeks (forum participants and otherwise) who have kids.

However, I do not.

[index]

many who are parents consider the entire experience to be a blessing rather than a curse.

Uh, yeah, doesn't that go without saying? It baffles me how anyone could even say the opposite.
I would even go so far as to say if you think it's a curse, you are the problem, not your kids.

yikes, this is a depressing thread.

Yeah... and I envision it going off the rails fairly quickly too...

How is it depressing?  I don't consider it depressing at all that I don't have any kids at this point. It was absolutely 100% the correct choice to make within the circumstances I had and what I wanted to make with them.  And yes, to a lot of people having kids is literally the worst thing that has happened to them planned or not.  Even if someone thought that way it doesn't make them by default a terrible parent.

I second this as not depressing. Some people just aren't cut out to be parents or just don't want them, that's how it is and there's nothing wrong with that.

What is actually depressing is someone who does not want kids having them and raising them...An uninvolved parent who doesn't like their kids, more than often, sets them up to have a pretty bad childhood and life overall. I've known people who have had one parent not give a single crap about their kid... (They cared more about painkillers.) Trust me, they'd be much better off being raised by one parent alone who cares rather than with two parents, one who wants nothing to do with it.

[vdeane]

Everyone I know who has kids looks overwhelmed and constantly stressed out.  Worse, they seem to lack mobility or really the means to do the things they want.  I look at my own life at almost 37 years and that kind of thing spooks me or makes me at least hesitant about kids.  Money really isn't thing at this point that worries me, it is lack of freedom.  I almost think that it would have been easier earlier in life but I wasn't married until recently and had zero interest in kids outside of marriage.

Same - especially since I'm on the spectrum and have issues with things like motivation/energy to do things after work, needing routine, things planned out in advance, not having changes to plans, time alone, etc.  Having kids would basically mean regularly dealing with things that I'm already not great at dealing with.  Plus my social issues would make finding a partner and raising kids hard regardless.

I think there's some bias here.  Roadgeeks seem to be a solitary bunch overall.  Being social isn't a priority and in some cases are difficult due to being on the spectrum or having other characteristics.  It would be little wonder that roadgeeks in general devalue family life and relationships to some degree.

Now that this thread is making me think about it, of the roadgeeks I've met in person, a disproportionate of the ones who are married with kids are not on this forum or don't post as often.

[Mrt90]

I have a friend who had his first child at the age of 46 and now at the age of 51 is the father of 3.  I don't think that he or his wife (who is 4 or 5 years younger) wanted kids and I think the first one was an "oops" but then they discovered that they liked being parents.  I've know him since high school and her for over 10 years and they're both happier now than I've ever seen them.  So if it's something you want don't give up on it just because you are 45.  And there's nothing wrong with you if you don't want kids... I don't.  I'm just not looking forward to my 60's and 70's when people will be talking about their grandchildren and feeling sorry/looking down on me for not having any.

[Rothman]

Everyone I know who has kids looks overwhelmed and constantly stressed out.  Worse, they seem to lack mobility or really the means to do the things they want.  I look at my own life at almost 37 years and that kind of thing spooks me or makes me at least hesitant about kids.  Money really isn't thing at this point that worries me, it is lack of freedom.  I almost think that it would have been easier earlier in life but I wasn't married until recently and had zero interest in kids outside of marriage.

Same - especially since I'm on the spectrum and have issues with things like motivation/energy to do things after work, needing routine, things planned out in advance, not having changes to plans, time alone, etc.  Having kids would basically mean regularly dealing with things that I'm already not great at dealing with.  Plus my social issues would make finding a partner and raising kids hard regardless.

I think there's some bias here.  Roadgeeks seem to be a solitary bunch overall.  Being social isn't a priority and in some cases are difficult due to being on the spectrum or having other characteristics.  It would be little wonder that roadgeeks in general devalue family life and relationships to some degree.

Now that this thread is making me think about it, of the roadgeeks I've met in person, a disproportionate of the ones who are married with kids are not on this forum or don't post as often.

I've bucked the trend!

[formulanone]

I can't be the only roadgeek that has kids?

I think there's several more, including yours truly.

[DTComposer]

Not everyone should be a parent, nor should everyone want to be, nor should there be any pressure from family or society in that regard.

That said, I have a four-year-old, and we can easily say (and do so everyday) that he is the best thing that has ever happened to us (even on the less-than-good days).

Even though I always wanted to be a parent, for a number of reasons we didn't have him until later, and that probably made a huge difference in how we approach it. In my 20s and early 30s I hadn't dealt adequately with my own (psychological) stuff, and that would have easily reflected in my parenting (it certainly played a role in my father's parenting). The same is true of my wife. Plus, we weren't as settled career-wise, and making a financial plan would have been trickier.

There are days when I think about being older, more tired, and working longer in life than I may have originally planned, but the trade-off for being more mature, wise, and all-around more ready to shepherd a new life with love and support is a no-brainer. It's a joy unlike anything I could have ever imagined.

But again, it is not for everyone. I think, once society progressed passed "survival mode" (i.e., the infant mortality rate dropped to a point where it wasn't necessary to have five children to make sure three made it to adulthood), we should have also evolved socially to where not having children was an acceptable, mainstream decision. But we didn't, and I think the "Greatest Generation," spooked by war and depression, had more children than they needed OR wanted (the Baby Boom), and a cycle of bad or neglectful parenting began that has reverberated through subsequent generations.

[KEVIN_224]

I'm 48 years old and don't have any children. My twin brother doesn't have any either. My older brother has three daughters. My younger sister has two sons. My older brother only became a father at the age of 33.

[hbelkins]

There's tremendous social pressure to have kids. Anyone who gets up into their 40s or beyond who doesn't have kids is invariably asked, "why not?" I've heard the question a zillion times.

Those who chose not to have kids don't owe anyone an explanation.

The worst ones are parents who think they're entitled to grandchildren.

[oscar]

The worst ones are parents who think they're entitled to grandchildren.

My mother was on Medicare by the time she got grandchildren. She married late, and so did my sisters.