A little background here. I am 20 years old and I've never dated (or even asked) anyone before. There's this girl at work and she is also 20. We used to know each other vaguely in middle school and then about 6 months ago we met again at work (she is a cashier at my job). I've really been wanting to ask her out, but everytime I go to do it I chicken out and never do it and I've been stressing about it for nearly a month now.
We do talk almost every day at work (everytime we see each other) and she always smiles when I talk to her and I mean I feel like she has to know I like her, because honestly I go out of my way to talk to her. We know a lot about each other and have probably told each other things that we wouldn't just tell anybody.
So here's the question. Since I can't seem to ask her out in person I have thought about asking her via a Facebook message. I know that is kind of lame, but at the same time I feel like if she is interested in me at all she will probably say yes no how I ask her. And since she does know that I've never dated anyone before I'm sure she'd understand.
I'd probably word it something like "I know I'd be way too nervous to ever ask you in person, but I was wondering if you might like to go on a date with me sometime. I think we have a lot in common and I think you are really nice. I know I've said in the past that I didn't really have faith in relationships, but I think you would be worth taking a chance on. If you don't want to go out with me, that's perfectly fine. I don't want to pressure you into anything you don't want to do."
Is this a bad idea or am I right when I say if she likes me she'll say yes either way? I feel like asking via fb kind of takes the pressure off of both of us. Thoughts?
I never had a girlfriend till I was 19 years old, and nobody really liked me back in high school. I got turned down a couple of times I asked a girl out too, so that didn't help my confidence. But take it from me, she will appreciate you asking her face-to-face.
If she's not interested, then she'll say no, and no big deal. She'll be flattered that you asked, won't think anything bad about you, and you'll know where you stand with her. Plus, you'll have done it once, so the next time will be easier.
If she's interested, then she'll say yes. She might say yes either way, but it will make her more interested to know that a shy guy like you had the guts to ask her out.
If she could go either way, then it's a lot easier to say no on Facebook than it is in person. You're chances are better asking face-to-face.
One final word of advice: Don't say 'a date with me sometime.' Have a place and a day (or a choice between two days) in mind when you ask, and ask specifically if she would like to go with you to that place at that time. Low-pressure spots are good for a first date, like coffee or an informal college music concert. If your work schedules line up at all, you could start with asking if she'd like to make a convenience store run with you during break.
FYI, when I first saw your post, I thought you were US 71, not US 41. And I was thinking, ... there's no WAY you're only 20!
Quote from: kphoger on January 16, 2017, 04:56:36 PM
I never had a girlfriend till I was 19 years old, and nobody really liked me back in high school. I got turned down a couple of times I asked a girl out too, so that didn't help my confidence. But take it from me, she will appreciate you asking her face-to-face.
If she's not interested, then she'll say no, and no big deal. She'll be flattered that you asked, won't think anything bad about you, and you'll know where you stand with her. Plus, you'll have done it once, so the next time will be easier.
If she's interested, then she'll say yes. She might say yes either way, but it will make her more interested to know that a shy guy like you had the guts to ask her out.
Haha yeah I see your point. The problem is that, yes we talk to each other all the time, but it seems like there is always someone else around. I'm already nervous when I think about doing it, but then when someone else is around it makes it to where I just don't even bother.
QuoteIf she could go either way, then it's a lot easier to say no on Facebook than it is in person. You're chances are better asking face-to-face. One final word of advice: Don't say 'a date with me sometime.' Have a place and a day (or a choice between two days) in mind when you ask,
The reason I said "sometime" was because I don't really know her work schedule and she is in college. And tbh I only want her to say yes if she actually wants to go out with me. I don't want her to feel pressured into going out with me.
QuoteIf she's not interested, then she'll say no, and no big deal. She'll be flattered that you asked, won't think anything bad about you, and you'll know where you stand with her. Plus, you'll have done it once, so the next time will be easier.
Really? I honestly thought the opposite of this. I thought she might not want to talk to me anymore or hate me (even though she still talks to two of my friends that have taken her out). I guess I'm just putting too much pressure on myself.
There is a girl at my work that I knew from high school (she is really pretty too and same age as me) and she said that a Facebook message was perfectly fine. But I wasn't sure if that was right or not.
Quote from: US 41 on January 16, 2017, 03:43:58 PM
A little background here. I am 20 years old and I've never dated (or even asked) anyone before. There's this girl at work and she is also 20. We used to know each other vaguely in middle school and then about 6 months ago we met again at work (she is a cashier at my job). I've really been wanting to ask her out, but everytime I go to do it I chicken out and never do it and I've been stressing about it for nearly a month now.
We do talk almost every day at work (everytime we see each other) and she always smiles when I talk to her and I mean I feel like she has to know I like her, because honestly I go out of my way to talk to her. We know a lot about each other and have probably told each other things that we wouldn't just tell anybody.
So here's the question. Since I can't seem to ask her out in person I have thought about asking her via a Facebook message. I know that is kind of lame, but at the same time I feel like if she is interested in me at all she will probably say yes no how I ask her. And since she does know that I've never dated anyone before I'm sure she'd understand.
I'd probably word it something like "I know I'd be way too nervous to ever ask you in person, but I was wondering if you might like to go on a date with me sometime. I think we have a lot in common and I think you are really nice. I know I've said in the past that I didn't really have faith in relationships, but I think you would be worth taking a chance on. If you don't want to go out with me, that's perfectly fine. I don't want to pressure you into anything you don't want to do."
Is this a bad idea or am I right when I say if she likes me she'll say yes either way? I feel like asking via fb kind of takes the pressure off of both of us. Thoughts?
What ever happened to following the girl (with permission) to her car or trying to arrange a "coffee" after work? Girls will say "yes" and they will turn you down, but they will often do neither until you explicitly express interest. You have got to crawl before you can fly. So start crawling! Give the girl a chance to say "yes" -- TO ANYTHING --- NO MATTER HOW SMALL.
I had my eye on four different girls recently until one of them asked me out. That was a year ago. She may be Mrs. Mich in another year, if I don't screw it up. But I am a bit older.
Yeah I mean I help her at work all the time voluntarily when she is doing returns (putting stuff back on the shelf that people have brought back to the store for whatever reason). We've both told each other that we don't really trust relationships. Me, because of my parents; and her because she had an ex that hit her and she's had other guys that have taken advantage (used her for sex) of her in the past. I think she thinks I'm a nice guy and I'm sure she knows I'm not a player. She's also told me in the past that she is single, so I'm not sure if those are hints or not. I'm not really that knowledgeable, but her smiling whenever we talk makes me feel somewhat confident.
EDIT: A lot of people have told me not to ask her out because she is a ho, does drugs, (I don't think she does, because you have to pass a drug test to get hired) etc. But based on the many times we have talked I just don't think most people understand what she has been through. I'd like to be the best partner she'll ever have, but I also have to ask her out first.
What's the hurry? I didn't go out with anyone until I was 32. Although the first time I asked was when I was 25 I just had the most rotten luck of anyone on the face of the planet.
Ask her out, stop overanalyzing, stop making excuses.
Just don't do it by Facebook, especially with a long apologizing message that conveys your lack of confidence. That's setting yourself up for failure. If you must do Facebook, talk to her for a while before asking.
But really, don't do it that way.
Alternatively, get her number - even if you get it from a friend - and CASUALLY ask her out via text. That's accepted these days and requires less forwardness.
Keep it positive and exciting - don't make excuses for yourself and don't qualify it by telling her how to get out of it. She's not an idiot - if she doesn't want to date she'll know how to reject your without you giving her reasons to do so. Make it sound like you'll have fun on the date, not that you're shitting your pants in nervousness, which the text in your proposed FB message conveys.
Quote from: corco on January 16, 2017, 05:56:45 PM
Ask her out, stop overanalyzing, stop making excuses.
Just don't do it by Facebook, especially with a long apologizing message that conveys your lack of confidence. That's setting yourself up for failure. If you must do Facebook, talk to her for a while before asking.
But really, don't do it that way.
Alternatively, get her number - even if you get it from a friend - and CASUALLY ask her out via text. That's accepted these days and requires less forwardness.
I edited it to say this (I haven't sent it though).
Hey would you like to go out to dinner with me sometime? I never seem to get the chance to ask you at work, because it seems like someone else is always around lol. But I think you are really nice and I think we have a lot in common.
I mean, that's better but still not ideal. She might find it sweet, but I'd go even more casual if she doesn't trust relationships. Basically drop the last sentence.
I maintain that Facebook is a terrible idea in this context though - get her number from a friend and text her in her day off if you absolutely can't do it in person.
Facebook may or may not be a bad idea, situation dependent. It sounds like you've known this person for a while so you know better than any of us what she will or won't like.
Key question here: do you communicate regularly via Facebook? If so then it's probably fine for you to ask her out via such. If not it's going to seem odd. At the very least it will send the message "I don't have the balls to ask you in person even though I see you every day"... which may be unattractive but if she likes shy guys it could actually help you. Again, you know her better than we do.
All that said, I would also generally advise against dating coworkers. There is a high risk of awkwardness and a lot of people refuse to do it for that reason alone. Indeed, there are companies with policies explicitly prohibiting it.
She smiles when she talks to you.
Let me say that again: SHE SMILES WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU. She has also shared details of her personal life with you. All this points to her liking you. That doesn't necessarily mean she's interested in you, but she at least likes you as a friend. And, if any of what you've mentioned about her past is true, then she probably has a real need for a good, drama-free friend. The way you build a friendship (or any other relationship) is by spending time together talking, and the way you do that is to ASK HER to spend time with you.
You don't know her work schedule? That's fine. Pick a donut shop and three different times/days you're available. One of them is bound to work or, if not, you'll be halfway to a date.
Other people around, not so good. It's awkward for everyone, it puts her in a spot, it's embarrassing if she says no. Figure out a way to steal a minute. For a cashier, that pretty much means the break room or before or after work. Talk to her in person. Getting her number from sometime else is kind of stalky, texting is barely better than Facebook.
If she weren't friendly towards you, then I could see her maybe being put off by your asking her out. But SHE SMILES WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU. This means she'll still be a happy acquaintance even if she says no, and you'll be no worse off.
Those hints might be hints. But it's been my experience that some girls that age who've had a dirty past are open about it with everyone; I think it's their way of trying to accept their past and move on, and to not wear a mask. I wouldn't read too much into it until you get to know her better.
So stop agonizing.
You want to get to know her.
Ask her out.
In person.
Like a respectable man.
It's hard for everyone the first time.
She won't hate you.
You'll be fine.
She'll probably say yes.
SHE SMILES WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU.
Quote from: Duke87 on January 16, 2017, 06:15:31 PM
All that said, I would also generally advise against dating coworkers. There is a high risk of awkwardness and a lot of people refuse to do it for that reason alone. Indeed, there are companies with policies explicitly prohibiting it.
Agreed. At least, if your job duties bump into each other. My boss and co-worker are married to each other and it works, but most people are not like that. Peer work relations seem to work better than any relation wherein one person has any say in the other person's daily work activities. And please don't engage in a sexual relationship with a co-worker; ask any older member on here for stories of that turning out badly.
A rather famous former co-worker of mine (Google Malcolm "Mac" Kilduff if you wish) had a saying about workplace relationships.
"Don't get your meat where you get your bread."
I've been mulling asking out a coworker, because we seem to like each other. We work in different departments and I've been looking for another job anyway. I invited her to my birthday party in a few weeks. She said if she doesn't work, she'd like to.
I wouldn't worry about asking out co-workers. I know people who have done so both successfully to the point of marriage and unsuccessfully to the point of breaking up. That said, in the absolute worst case scenario, new jobs are easier to find than love - take the risk.
Quote from: hbelkins on January 16, 2017, 06:57:01 PM
A rather famous former co-worker of mine (Google Malcolm "Mac" Kilduff if you wish) had a saying about workplace relationships.
"Don't get your meat where you get your bread."
The version I always heard was "don't dip your pen in the company's ink."
Ask her out for a dinner and a movie date, then offer her the choice to pick one while you pick the other. That little adventure will give you something to talk about and maybe even laugh about! Have some flexibility for day and time and mention some slots for you which are open to give her a chance to synch up with your schedule.
Since you already work with this lady and she knows you, shyness in approaching should be lessened from the kind you would have making a cold call on a stranger. Odds are good you will succeed in getting an answer of some sort to indicate whether there is any interest on her part. Ever hear the song "Girls Just Wanaa Have Fun" by Cindy Lauper? They really do!
Rick
Yeah dating a co-worker is actually the least of my concerns. And it's not against my company's rules to date co-workers, as long as you / they are not their / your manager. That doesn't apply here, because neither one of us are a manager of anything.
Work is honestly the only place I'm ever going to meet anyone anyways, since I'm not in school anymore. I mean I haven't actually had a serious crush on anyone in over 2 years. The only way I actually start to get a serious crush on someone is once I talk to them and actually get to know them. Unfortunately this method seems to set me up for failure, because I start to fall in love with the girl and then I am terrified to ask her out, because I'm afraid I'll mess up. And I don't fall in love with someone very often which makes the pressure even greater on me.
The whole "Facebook/text message" thing is surely going to elicit different responses based on the rest of our ages. I daresay younger folks might have a totally differently reaction than those of us over age 40 (I do not have a Facebook account, BTW, and so have no comment either way). It's sort of like a girl asking a guy out–once upon a time that was taboo.
BTW, a relationship with someone you met at work surely can work–my now-wife and I met at work, though we didn't start dating until she had left for a different job.
I'm going to note that it is somewhat amazing it took 8 years for this subject to come up on the forum. Did we just jump the shark?
Everyone in my age group has said that they think it's okay. I do think it would be better to ask her face to face, but I've tried that for nearly a month now and I still haven't done it. I'm still going to be nervous as hell if I send her a fb message, but I think it's a lot easier to hit the enter button.
I don't know. I might try again on Friday night. I was so close to actually asking her out today it's not even funny. Like I was to the point where I gave zero f**** until some random cashier popped up out of no where. Then I was like screw it. We were having such a good conversation too. I was really bummed today and I still am.
I started at 23 and heck I was petrified too. I did not think I was ever going to get a date. Frankly over the years the less I cared the easier it was. If you ask someone out and she says no you have lost nothing, actually gained just by being brave. I know it is easy for me to say (and I have been married for over 3 years to someone I have been with for 7.5 so it has been a while) but really the key is just not to care so much....yes you would like to take her out, no your life is not any worse off if you do not. She is human, do not put her on that pedestal. That being said you can ask her out any way you like. It might be better online as you will be more confident. But have a plan where you would like to take her. Try something creative based on what she likes, "dinner and a movie" is pretty basic. Try an art museum, picnic, hiking, etc. Good luck!!!!!!
BTW do not take her to the map museum...but if she likes that kind of thing, you have a keeper!!!!!!
I'd suggest lunch or coffee instead of dinner and a movie to start. Easier to just talk and get to know each other better that way.
Quote from: Brandon on January 16, 2017, 09:21:05 PM
I'd suggest lunch or coffee instead of dinner and a movie to start. Easier to just talk and get to know each other better that way.
My plan was to ask her out to dinner Friday night after she got off work. Unfortunately that didn't happen because another cashier popped up. That was really irritating. I still had a good conversation with her though and I think I have made it pretty obvious that I do in fact like her.
Ask her before you make yourself so nervous that you'll worry even more.
Don't over-calculate things.
Don't sell yourself short.
Don't lie, but don't be a pervert.
Don't tell her your life story.
Listen to her before you speak; ideally, let her talk 2/3 to 3/4 of the time.
A lady's smile is a wonderful thing.
(I have no opinion about how text and social media are supposed to work in courtship.)
Quote from: corco on January 16, 2017, 09:12:12 PM
I'm going to note that it is somewhat amazing it took 8 years for this subject to come up on the forum. Did we just jump the shark?
There was that time blawp was asking us to narrow his dating options based on breast size...
You mentioned being afraid of messing up.
Look here. If a girl can't handle you messing up, then she's not ready to be in a relationship. We're all human beings. Our insecurities and flaws aren't all the same, but we're all going to mess up something at some point, and we're going to mess up with that person. Don't be afraid to be awkward. Everyone's scared of something, and pushing through it makes you more attractive.
You know, if you ask on Facebook... You still do have to talk to her in real life later anyway, right?
For what it's worth, my wife (35 years old and married to me for ten years) says she doesn't see anything wrong with a Facebook PM. She also uses Facebook a lot more than I do, so there you go. As long as you're already friends in Facebook. If you're not, then she says not to friend-request her in order to ask her out that way.
Text her or man up and ask her out face-to-face. Accept workplace consequences if she refuses or because of a break-up.
I am also against the "sometime" usage. At least narrow it down to the weekend.
Vaya con Dios.
Quote from: US 41 on January 16, 2017, 09:17:42 PM
Everyone in my age group has said that they think it's okay. I do think it would be better to ask her face to face, but I've tried that for nearly a month now and I still haven't done it. I'm still going to be nervous as hell if I send her a fb message, but I think it's a lot easier to hit the enter button.
I don't know. I might try again on Friday night. I was so close to actually asking her out today it's not even funny. Like I was to the point where I gave zero f**** until some random cashier popped up out of no where. Then I was like screw it. We were having such a good conversation too. I was really bummed today and I still am.
Snooze and you lose. Keep losing and you'll wind up a loser living in your parents' basement. You want that? I don't think so! Having a healthy fear of really failing should help get your ass in gear. Man up! You are only young once but you can be dumb forever...LOL!
Rick
Like the cliché: what's the worst that can happen if you ask her out?
If you don't make a definative move, she will think you are not interested... You already talk, she has shared some of her life with you she likes you on some level and trusts you ... The danger here is FRIEND ZONE!!
I heard "you are such a nice guy" so many times, because i was scared to ask girls out
LGMS428
You are already way ahead in the game. I say that because you two are talking already. You both know a lot about each other. The next time y'all are having a conversation about whatever it is you talk about just slip in the old "Hey, you wanna go grab a bite to eat when we get off work later?" It doesn't have to be a major production or anything like that-what will be most important is that you are spending time time together away from work.
Don't sweat the friend-zone thing that jwolfer speaks of, either. Yeah, I was like him in that 90% of girls that seemed interested in me only wanted to be friends. It got to be annoying after a while, yes-but one of those friendly relationships led to a pair of "I do's" and almost 18 years of marriage to date. I never would have asked her to marry me if it had not been for the advice from a number of my other "only friends" girls.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0pM5dm--yQ
It is funny, I did not keep in touch with hardly anyone from high school (graduated in 1987). When I got on Facebook in 2008 and made a lot of friends I barely knew in HS, how many women said they wished I had asked them out back then, and I thought nobody liked me. Met my current wife in 2009 so it all worked out in the end but I was my own worst enemy back then! I.e. she may want you to ask her!!!
Be honest.
Don't try to calculate the approach that maximizes the odds she'll say yes. This is disrespectful of her choice. If you want to put that much thought into it, find the approach that lets her most easily be honest with her answer.
Asking via Facebook is fine. I met a nice guy in my first year of college, and over the summer he asked me to be his datemate* via email. We had a nice relationship for five months (my longest up to that time) when school resumed. It only ended because I was immature.
Dating a peer coworker is probably okay, unless you're both trying to make a career at that company. But it doesn't particularly sound like you are.
*datemate, n. gender-nonspecific synonym of boyfriend or girlfriend. Phil didn't use that word specifically, but implying I'm male might seem to lessen the value of my advice.
I think the key to asking someone on a date, which I didn't completely grasp until I had stumbled ass-backward into a relationship and therefore didn't need the realization anymore, is that you're not dealing with an Objective™ or a Mission™ or whatever, you're just dealing with another person. Dating is Big and Scary and a Huge Deal, but that's just because TV makes dating Big and Scary and a Huge Deal. Ideally, it shouldn't be any worse than asking someone to come over and play Mario Kart with you.
The easiest way to handle it is to reverse the situation and think of how you would like to be asked on a date if someone was interested in you. (Don't indulge in fantasies here, be realistic.) Then try that. Yes, it will be anxiety-inducing. Also, keep in mind that every girl is different and there is no one size fits all Trick To Doing It Right.
Do be sure that you're clear it's a date and not just friendly stuff, however. The much-maligned "friend zone" isn't something that you end up in through attrition. It's the result of bad communication. If someone thinks you are trying to be their friend and it turns out you have been trying to get in their pants they feel deceived, as if you had been lying to them the whole time and didn't really want to be their friend. The friend-turns-into-something-more trope tends to happen when people have an established friendship long enough that they know it's genuine and not just a tool for getting something more.
One of the first "dates" I went out on with my now-wife was actually a road trip. It was October so I asked her if she'd like to see the Talimena Drive. (That's Oklahoma SH-1 and Arkansas SH-88.) Trees changing, scenery, all that jazz. Since it ends in Mena, and Jeremy Lance is from there, I was able to get a restaurant recommendation from him.
Turned out to be a really good idea in retrospect. If you're a roadgeek, you'll probably want to go on a road trip with her at some point, so it's a good way to see if that's something she's into (or if she turns into one of those passengers from hell). The time in the car can be used for a decent conversation (something you can't really do in a movie). Plus, you're probably not going to be doing anything dirty while you're doing 55 down a two-lane road, so there's less pressure on that front.
Only problem is that some girls might feel uncomfortable being in a more remote area with a guy they don't know well. I'd recommend only suggesting it if the girl knows you well enough to trust you.
Also? Don't do the road-foaming thing, complaining about sign errors and what have you. Unless the girl thinks it's cute, like mine does. In which case you marry her, apparently.
I'd like to suggest a slightly different approach.
"Do you like coffee? What kind of food do like? What movies do you like? Do you read books/like to visit bookstores? Do you like museums/have you been to the museum of ____?" etc (Ask until you get an enthusiastic response to something. If your first two or three don't work, stop and try again another day.
OR
Start with asking her what she likes to do or if she is a fan of something. If you don't know much about it, just say "Cool" then go Google it and find out what or where is good for that thing and after a few days follow up like above)
I really like the coffee at _____ and I would enjoy it if we went sometime." "I've never been to the Museum of Yarn & String but I've heard it's cool - want to go sometime?" Then - and this is the important part - if she says 'yes' to 'sometime' ask her "When would be a good time to go?" or "What would work with your schedule?" She can offer a time and date and then you can negotiate sometime that works....OR she might say something like "Oh, I'm so busy with school and work, I just can't" I recommend you follow up with something like "If you have more time at spring break/end of semester, I'd still be interested in X" or "well, if your schedule changes, I've always wanted to do the thing and it would be fun to go together."
Let the first date be "just friends" for the first part. At some point, you can work the conversation to how much fun you're having, how it would be nice to date each other, ask what she wants in a relationship and share what you want in a relationship, etc. At the end, ask if she would like to go out again....
At your age I can certainly understand that this would be a difficult question, it didn't become easy for me until I was about 23-24. By then I was a lot more confident in myself since I had a pretty strong career going on and really gotten on the track on who/what I wanted to be as kid. So really the first part is having confidence in yourself and not worrying about the fear of rejection. That might not be the easiest thing to overcome but literally it is probably half the battle.
The odd thing is that I really never felt like that the traditional "do you want to go on a date" lines worked for me. Generally most relationships I had started just by having general conversations about things, most those led to talk about common interests. It became pretty apparent to me after awhile that if a woman likes you, then she'll keep talking to you. Granted if you don't act on things quickly it can put you in the "friend zone" as someone else put it and usually you can tell because the conversations won't be as frequent because she lost interest. Generally what has worked for me is finding some sort of common activity and asking if they would like to tag along? Oddly someone mentioned Mario Kart and despite me being twice your age that actually worked once with my ex-fiance.
Granted, I've generally known women I've dated for a little while before actually doing so....maybe there was a little bit more comfort level there? I've generally found that it things were a lot easier when I wasn't "looking" for a relationship and it just sort of happened naturally. I think social media might be okay for your generation, it seems like it is part of how regular conversations are had nowadays. Regardless the biggest issue I see for you is overcoming the confidence barrier.
"Wanna do lunch?" and see where things go.
:nod:
Mike
(If I bore you, just skip down to the 2nd to last paragraph...)
Back in high school, I never went out on a date. Hell, I didn't really have any friends. I did however have a really, really bad overbite. Not having the ability to deal with the teasing, I was typically teased and stayed away from. I was extremely shy. I wasn't athletic either, usually picked last on the teams.
I cringe today when I read about all this bullying stuff. I lived thru it for 12 years (and in many ways, college wasn't much better, although I did finally come across a few people who became good friends there). I especially shake my head when I read on Facebook about the people that complain about how their kids are getting bullied and teased. These people are often the same ones that teased me. Yeah...I really don't have much sympathy for them, although I do feel bad for their kids. No doubt at least they have friends to hang out with. I didn't.
So, after that backstory in a nut-shell, the closest I guess I could say I came to a date when I was in high school was when someone said they liked me in 8th grade (someone I knew since she moved into the school when we were in 6th grade). But I ignored it, not knowing if this was some sort of setup, and I was shy anyway. Never again in school did I meet up or go out with a girl. Not even for my proms.
Thru various activities at church and such (habitat-for-humanity type groups) I did become friends with some girls, but was still overly shy so I never really went out with any of them. I actually did try one time with one girl; drove up to meet her and things, but that date kinda fell apart.
As a sophomore in college I started dating one girl on campus who was a freshman. She was in the same boat more/less, never really dated before, etc. But I would still go home on the weekends to work at my job at a bowling alley. That's where one girl spotted me, and would occasionally talk to me. She bowled in a league the same night I worked. I eventually started talking to her a little as well. She became friends with others in the bowling alley, which worked out well so we all had at least some things in common. I did tell her I had another girlfriend in college though. But she continued to talk to me.
Eventually, after 6 months, I finally asked her out, to see the movie The Santa Clause. Note...and finally bringing a point relevant to this topic: I was 19, and by now had really only dated one person that lasted more than one day. This whole courtship type stuff went on for 6 MONTHS! So you are perfectly find taking your time getting to know her at work and enjoying some small-talk with her.
Overly-long story short, that's the Nicole in my username. We haven't killed each other since that date in November, 1994. She swears she didn't think I was the road junkie I was until after we got married. Maybe she thought I really liked her when we went on trips together...maybe she didn't realize I wanted to go on those trips just to check out the roads! Haha
So, the point of all that was, don't sweat it. If you two already talk on Messenger, I would think asking someone out via Messenger is not much different than if someone where to ask someone out via passed note in class many years ago. Keep it simple...no need to ramble. Just say, hey, after work, or before work, wanna grab coffee, or lunch or dinner or a snack (depending on the time, of course). If there's a group of you that tend to talk, you can even make it a group event at first to make it a little less awkward. And yeah, don't bring up roads too much just yet!
BTW, to show how life has worked out: I'm FB friends with many of those I went to school with, although I don't exactly have everyday conversations with them. In fact, it's still a little awkward if I have an actual conversation, knowing that I probably talked to them more in that conversation than I did the entire 12 years I went to school with them. If anything, I get a little jealous and even upset when they show pictures of them and their friends from back in the day, knowing I was never part of any of those groups. Some of them will say they never went out on dates much either when they were in school, although they certainly were very friendly and would hang out with many people from the opposite sex. My friends from the church groups, similarly I lost track of but reconnected on FB. And the girl I went out with in college: After I went on my date and several others with Nicole, I finally broke up with that other person...2 months later!! I lost touch with her, but tried looking her up on Facebook. Surprisingly, I couldn't find her. So I did a Google search. And I finally found her. And I kept reading about her. I told my wife, you gotta come read this! Apparently she was convicted of embezzlement and was in jail for 2 years! Damn shame I missed out on that! LOL
I have no great advice to offer, because I've been married for nearly 22 years and dating and intrapersonal interactions have changed a lot during that time.
I will say, however, that this thread brings up a lot of memories. I was somewhat of a geek or nerd in high school and was very self-conscious about my appearance and my weight (if only I knew back then that I was positively skinny compared to now). I was also painfully shy. I didn't have a real relationship until my junior year of college, and I kinda stumbled into that. It faltered after about two years and I was still shy into my adulthood and afraid of rejection. I also was in the "friend zone" with far too many females, which was more negative than positive for my self-esteem. I had a bunch of failed relationships, in large part because I tried too hard and was juggling that aspect of my life with a busy and successful professional life.
I will note, however, like someone else upthread, that I've heard from a lot of old acquaintances from my single days who have hinted at, or come right out and told me, that they had a crush on me or would have dated me.
There's a lyric in "Walk This Way" that was written just for me. Can anyone guess? One thing that always stuck with me was when a friend told me that a group of girls in high school were discussing the guys. When my name came up, they said that they thought I would be "a good provider." Not exactly what a hormonally-charged teen male wants to hear. I guess it's flattering in a way that some of them looked at me as possible future good marriage material, but that didn't help me get laid back then. So that became a joke between me and my wife years later, but when financial hardships hit and I wasn't even able to be a good provider, that was a hard pill to swallow.
Have to say that a Mormon mission did wonders for me. After knocking on hundreds of doors, asking a girl out was a piece of cake and had a higher success rate.
Quote from: hbelkins on January 17, 2017, 10:45:04 AM
I have no great advice to offer, because I've been married for nearly 22 years and dating and intrapersonal interactions have changed a lot during that time.
How have interactions within your own mind changed?
Quote from: NE2 on January 17, 2017, 10:56:51 AM
Quote from: hbelkins on January 17, 2017, 10:45:04 AM
I have no great advice to offer, because I've been married for nearly 22 years and dating and intrapersonal interactions have changed a lot during that time.
How have interactions within your own mind changed?
He keeps the demons under better control.
Quote from: US 81 on January 17, 2017, 09:16:35 AM
I'd like to suggest a slightly different approach.
"Do you like coffee? What kind of food do like? What movies do you like? Do you read books/like to visit bookstores? Do you like museums/have you been to the museum of ____?" etc (Ask until you get an enthusiastic response to something. If your first two or three don't work, stop and try again another day.
OR
Start with asking her what she likes to do or if she is a fan of something. If you don't know much about it, just say "Cool" then go Google it and find out what or where is good for that thing and after a few days follow up like above)
I really like the coffee at _____ and I would enjoy it if we went sometime." "I've never been to the Museum of Yarn & String but I've heard it's cool - want to go sometime?" Then - and this is the important part - if she says 'yes' to 'sometime' ask her "When would be a good time to go?" or "What would work with your schedule?" She can offer a time and date and then you can negotiate sometime that works....OR she might say something like "Oh, I'm so busy with school and work, I just can't" I recommend you follow up with something like "If you have more time at spring break/end of semester, I'd still be interested in X" or "well, if your schedule changes, I've always wanted to do the thing and it would be fun to go together."
Let the first date be "just friends" for the first part. At some point, you can work the conversation to how much fun you're having, how it would be nice to date each other, ask what she wants in a relationship and share what you want in a relationship, etc. At the end, ask if she would like to go out again....
^ ^ ^ This is the best advice I've read on here so far. The first part really solves the schedule dilemma. And the last few sentences are important: until you've hung out for a while and become friends, you don't really know how far you want the relationship to go.
(Full disclosure: I've only ever been in two relationships. My first one was cart-before-the-horse; we started having sex within weeks of meeting, I got her pregnant, we were madly in love, then she fell out of love but I didn't. When the relationship was really crumbling, I asked her to marry me and she said no. I was lonely for a little while and then asked a coworker how to find a wife. He replied, 'At church.' I said, 'That takes too long.' Then he said, 'The internet.' So that's what I did. I signed up for a free seven-day trial on a dating website. I was contacted by one person, a young lady who had also signed up for a free seven-day trial but was only looking for a friend; I'm the only person she contacted. We exchanged email addresses (against the rules), then let our membership elapse while we emailed back and forth. Soon we switched to the telephone; that was awkward for the first couple of times, then the flood gates of conversation opened up. We fell in love over the phone. Early on, she asked me what I wanted in our relationship, and we both made it clear we wanted to end up married–and this was all before we'd ever met face to face. Within the year, she moved 500 miles to be closer to me. April will be our 11th wedding anniversary.
All this is to say, I might not be the best person to take dating advice from. It's also to say that a lot of great relationships begin in unusual ways, and how it starts off doesn't necessarily correlate to how it ends up.
Quote from: Scott5114 on January 17, 2017, 08:34:00 AM
I think the key to asking someone on a date, which I didn't completely grasp until I had stumbled ass-backward into a relationship and therefore didn't need the realization anymore, is that you're not dealing with an Objective™ or a Mission™ or whatever, you're just dealing with another person. Dating is Big and Scary and a Huge Deal, but that's just because TV makes dating Big and Scary and a Huge Deal. Ideally, it shouldn't be any worse than asking someone to come over and play Mario Kart with you.
The easiest way to handle it is to reverse the situation and think of how you would like to be asked on a date if someone was interested in you. (Don't indulge in fantasies here, be realistic.) Then try that. Yes, it will be anxiety-inducing. Also, keep in mind that every girl is different and there is no one size fits all Trick To Doing It Right.
Do be sure that you're clear it's a date and not just friendly stuff, however. The much-maligned "friend zone" isn't something that you end up in through attrition. It's the result of bad communication. If someone thinks you are trying to be their friend and it turns out you have been trying to get in their pants they feel deceived, as if you had been lying to them the whole time and didn't really want to be their friend. The friend-turns-into-something-more trope tends to happen when people have an established friendship long enough that they know it's genuine and not just a tool for getting something more.
This is good advice.
It's not the end of the world if she says no. You're a good person regardless of whether she says yes or no.
You can't negotiate desire. It's an unconscious process. That means there are plenty of girls you won't get, but there are plenty you can start a relationship with. Bounce back quickly if she doesn't desire a romantic/sexual relationship with you.
Be bold. Don't fish for information before asking her out to do something. Suggest something. If she says no, move on, she's likely not interested. If she says no and suggests something else, jump on it - she's interested in hanging out with you, just not that activity.
You will be most successful if you focus on enjoying the process of dating, and ignore the prospects of either having sex with the woman, or starting a relationship. Those things will come in time if you enjoy spending time with one another.
Well said Jeff! I was bullied and made me feel like I was inferior to everyone.
And to add to what US81 said, once I knew a girl was a vegetarian and I surprised her with a trip to the vegetarian restaurant. If you like her take a little time to find out her likes and dislikes. It should be easy as the average person loves to talk about themselves. Then she will be glad you remembered! :)
Like others have said.. As you get older and if you talk to some people from high school you'll discover things like the girl you were afraid to ask out was waiting for you to ask her
If she says no... Dont let it devistate you.. She may have someone she likes already. She may have had a bad relationship and just not ready to date.. She may be a lesbian.... Dont assume its you.
In college i was really into a girl that was in my circle of friends. We went on a road trip from Jax to Washington D.C. so i could visit my brother and she could visit her best friend.. I asked her out.. She was into my friend /roommate.. I was very upset..but I did not let it deter me. I met my wife of 18 years a year later. We have 3 great kids. (We are now divorced but i have moved on from that. We remain friends. That is another story)
The advantage you have is you already know her, its not like she is a stranger in a bar etc.
Now that you started this thread you have to let everyone know how it goes!
LGMS428
Quote from: kphoger on January 16, 2017, 06:19:13 PM
She smiles when she talks to you.
Let me say that again: SHE SMILES WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU. She has also shared details of her personal life with you. All this points to her liking you. That doesn't necessarily mean she's interested in you, but she at least likes you as a friend. And, if any of what you've mentioned about her past is true, then she probably has a real need for a good, drama-free friend. The way you build a friendship (or any other relationship) is by spending time together talking, and the way you do that is to ASK HER to spend time with you.
You don't know her work schedule? That's fine. Pick a donut shop and three different times/days you're available. One of them is bound to work or, if not, you'll be halfway to a date.
Other people around, not so good. It's awkward for everyone, it puts her in a spot, it's embarrassing if she says no. Figure out a way to steal a minute. For a cashier, that pretty much means the break room or before or after work. Talk to her in person. Getting her number from sometime else is kind of stalky, texting is barely better than Facebook.
If she weren't friendly towards you, then I could see her maybe being put off by your asking her out. But SHE SMILES WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU. This means she'll still be a happy acquaintance even if she says no, and you'll be no worse off.
Those hints might be hints. But it's been my experience that some girls that age who've had a dirty past are open about it with everyone; I think it's their way of trying to accept their past and move on, and to not wear a mask. I wouldn't read too much into it until you get to know her better.
So stop agonizing.
You want to get to know her.
Ask her out.
In person.
Like a respectable man.
It's hard for everyone the first time.
She won't hate you.
You'll be fine.
She'll probably say yes.
SHE SMILES WHEN SHE TALKS TO YOU.
Yes. This.
She's your friend and trusts and likes you. Just find some casual activity for the two of you, and do it. Don't make a big deal out of it being a date. Don't even think of it as one. Just think of it as a fun time the two of you will have together.
Yes, ask her in person. You'll both feel better. A casual bite to eat after work simply establishes the idea of you guys spending time one-on-one. And then you ask her about herself, and you are honest about yourself, and trust builds, etc.
Relax and have fun. Lower the pressure for yourself, with the goal be to have a nice time. These things don't happen unless you do. It might work out, it might not. Don't dwell on that now.
(I know, who am I, but the woman that left me after 8 1/2 years says I'm very emotionally well-adjusted. [emoji13])
Okay I will try not to sound sexist here but women will generally not come out and say what they think. They will throw you bad hints and expect you to pick up on them. Often they keep making the hints more obvious and being a guy you will never get it. So she may be trying but she'll beat around the bush, rather than express her own interest. My wife and I and another couple were talking about this one day, with his wife explaining how her hints kept getting more obvious, rather than "why didn't you just ask me directly". I have some level of autism that apparently does not pick up on people's non-verbal cues too LOL.
Quote from: Rothman on January 17, 2017, 10:46:41 AM
Have to say that a Mormon mission did wonders for me. After knocking on hundreds of doors, asking a girl out was a piece of cake and had a higher success rate.
Try going a month in car sales with zero success due to a completely collapsed economy...LOL! The tough times sure do make us appreciate anything easier coming along!
Rick
Speaking of blasts from the past in high school...
The most popular girl in my high school class once asked me out on a date. I was the least popular boy in my class, so I assumed it was a joke and I turned her down. She wasn't in my crowd at all. ('Crowd' is used loosely here, as I lived in a town of 1200 people, and my class was large at 49 graduating.) I graduated in 1999.
Now I live in Wichita, and a coworker of mine is related to people from the area I grew up in. His cousin is a former governor who is from that small town. Said former governor's brother (and therefore another cousin of my coworker's) is not exactly what you'd call everyone's dream man: he loves his dog and he loves football, he still works the family farm but never really showed any big ambitions. He's also my parents' age. Well, guess who got married and started a family? When I found out recently, I called my dad and said, 'Guess who T___ F_____ married and has kids with? Who would you consider the least eligible bachelor in town?' And he knew exactly who I meant. I've Facebook-stalked them, and their posts and their pictures reveal a happily married couple who has fun being together. And everything my coworker hears from that side of the family confirms it.
At around your age, people stop worrying about who seems right for them, stop worrying about failing, stop playing that game. They start wanting to settle into a good life with someone, and who that someone is might surprise them and everyone else around them.
Everyone's uncomfortable at first, but going ahead despite discomfort is an important skill. Sounds like she's sending some signals that she likes you. She's just as trapped by sex roles as you are - she has to wait for you to ask. So, ask casually. Coffee, lunch, a bite to eat after work. If that conversation goes well, ask to trade numbers. Then no more having to catch her alone at work. Ask for a specific time and activity. If she's busy then but interested in you, don't worry, she'll let you know.
To your original question about whether to ask in person or facebook, I'd go with in person. Show that you're willing to accept some discomfort in order to talk to her.
Quote from: hbelkins on January 16, 2017, 06:57:01 PM
A rather famous former co-worker of mine (Google Malcolm "Mac" Kilduff if you wish) had a saying about workplace relationships.
"Don't get your meat where you get your bread."
And now I'm craving a sandwich.
XT1254
The more you think about it the more nervous and crazy it will make you. She is just a person, just like you.
texasdog has it right...
I didn't learn for a long time the axiom that it is best to be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Until you actually ask her out, and go out with her, everything is just in your head, including the thoughts of how good it all could be. This also builds up the stress over possible rejection.
There's no reason to make the asking anything elaborate or romantic, just blurt it out..."Hey, let's {get coffee/play D&D/study Dianetics :spin: } sometime"...or whatever. By her response you'll know what comes next, either setting the date or saying "OK" and moving on to the next girl whom you find interesting.
Good luck!!
EDIT: PS - And definitely do it in person, not in text of any kind!
I think nowadays, texting is fine. It's an intimate form of communication. Back in the day, people would ask each other out by passing notes in class, and it's really no different.
Quote from: kphoger on January 17, 2017, 01:21:43 PM
Full disclosure...
Really cool story, and funny awesome how it came together via 2 free trials!
As I mentioned in my story, I really didn't have that many girlfriends. Really, only 2 true ones, as mentioned. None in high school. In college there was a friend along the lines of friends-with-benefits, but not a true girlfriend. Several other girls that were friends, but that's it.
The ones that went out with different guys all the time, or long-term relationships? Most aren't together. Many have gone thru divorces. So whatever happened when you're young, such as younger than 20...don't worry about it. In life's long twists and turns, it doesn't matter what went on then, because it's not really reflective of what the future will hold.
I also get lucky in another way: I tend to have more girls as friends; my wife, more guys as friends. We are both perfectly fine with that. That doesn't work in many relationships, but we're cool with it. But really, we don't have all that many friends in total. We also tend to do things ourselves. Most of our vacations are just us two. Most of the time we spend at the house is just us (well, my mom-in-law lives with us too, but she's good with everything, and loves me to death, so no issues there). We still tend to be private people overall...although what I broadcast on fb may cause some people to question that! lol
Quote from: Otto Yamamoto on January 18, 2017, 02:41:35 AM
Quote from: hbelkins on January 16, 2017, 06:57:01 PM
A rather famous former co-worker of mine (Google Malcolm "Mac" Kilduff if you wish) had a saying about workplace relationships.
"Don't get your meat where you get your bread."
And now I'm craving a sandwich.
XT1254
Me too, one from Publix...good deli meat and great bread.
One of the things that strikes me about this discussion is how easy it is for a person to live in their own head. These lessons that people share are things that probably everybody hears from time to time, and knows, but for some reason or another can forget.
It's easy to make the world out to be a much more difficult place to live than it actually is.
Good luck to you OP.
Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!
The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. :pan:
Quote from: US 41 on January 18, 2017, 04:15:54 PM
Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!
The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. :pan:
Don't overthink it. Just ask her.
If she knows it's coming you need to act NOW or you'll look like you have no testicles.
Also now you really have nothing to lose! With a new set of facts this just went from moderate risk:high reward to no risk:high reward. You actually risk harming your current relationship more now if you don't ask her out than if you do.
Quote from: corco on January 18, 2017, 04:45:24 PM
If she knows it's coming you need to act NOW or you'll look like you have no testicles.
Also now you really have nothing to lose! With a new set of facts this just went from moderate risk:high reward to no risk:high reward. You actually risk harming your current relationship more now if you don't ask her out than if you do.
1000% correct! Ask her now!
Quote from: TXtoNJ on January 18, 2017, 12:25:54 PM
I think nowadays, texting is fine. It's an intimate form of communication. Back in the day, people would ask each other out by passing notes in class, and it's really no different.
The big difference between texting & notes in class: both parties are physically present in the same room when the hand-written note was passed from one to another (and sometimes between an extra party or two along the way). A note is personal. I think face-to-face means more than a text message. It is a sign of confidence that will excite her a bit more.
Quote from: US 41 on January 18, 2017, 04:15:54 PM
Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!
The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. :pan:
Your friends wouldn't be excited for you, and wouldn't tell you to go for it, if they thought you wouldn't get the answer you want. Go for it.
Quote from: US 41 on January 18, 2017, 04:15:54 PM
Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!
The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. :pan:
I'd say it's time to take the plunge.
Quote from: US 41 on January 18, 2017, 04:15:54 PM
Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!
The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. :pan:
If you don't ask her out now, you'll probably be kicking yourself in the ass till kingdom come. Go for it!
Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 18, 2017, 06:02:55 PM
Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!
That's moving pretty quickly for a first date. :bigass:
Quote from: 1995hoo on January 18, 2017, 06:32:27 PM
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 18, 2017, 06:02:55 PM
Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!
That's moving pretty quickly for a first date. :bigass:
I didn't mean it THAT way!! :-D
Quote from: 1995hoo on January 18, 2017, 06:32:27 PM
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 18, 2017, 06:02:55 PM
Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!
That's moving pretty quickly for a first date. :bigass:
Some would say you have to tie the knot before doing it...with Nikes.
Quote from: US 41 on January 18, 2017, 04:15:54 PM
Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!
The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. :pan:
Stop trying to think of what she is thinking :) you can never know. good luck!!!
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 18, 2017, 06:35:27 PM
Quote from: 1995hoo on January 18, 2017, 06:32:27 PM
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 18, 2017, 06:02:55 PM
Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!
That's moving pretty quickly for a first date. :bigass:
I didn't mean it THAT way!! :-D
That's why I used that particular smiley!
Quote from: LM117 on January 18, 2017, 05:58:38 PM
Quote from: US 41 on January 18, 2017, 04:15:54 PM
Wow lot's of good advice. Thanks!
The story has changed a little now. One of my friends asked her if I had asked her out. He finally admitted that he did it after 2 days of saying he didn't. (I'm not really mad about that.) He said all she said was "No he didn't talk to me." I can't get anything else out of him, but I definitely think she said more than just that, because one of my other friends said he saw them go into an aisle and talk for a couple of minutes. My friend, that asked her if I had asked her out, told me to ask her out and that the worse she can say is no. So I'm not really sure what to expect now. Both of my friends seemed somewhat excited yesterday when they said they needed to have a talk with me about why i didn't ask her out, so I'm wondering if she might have told him that she would go out with me if I asked her (but not to tell me she said that). I'm really clueless at this point. :pan:
If you don't ask her out now, you'll probably be kicking yourself in the ass till kingdom come. Go for it!
THIS. I'm still kicking myself over not asking a couple of girls out in high school. High school. I'm a Ph.D. student now. Yes, rejection sucks, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. People who are
sane just shrug it off.
And yes, texting is more than fine. Honestly, most of my communications with people are via text or Facebook Messenger. That and, if you don't want an answer immediately, you can turn your phone off and wait until you're ready.
Be her friend, but be a really nice friend. Women want to know they matter to you, and are attracted a lot by that.
Men too, for that matter.
Quote from: formulanone on January 18, 2017, 07:24:34 PM
Quote from: 1995hoo on January 18, 2017, 06:32:27 PM
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 18, 2017, 06:02:55 PM
Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!
That's moving pretty quickly for a first date. :bigass:
Some would say you have to tie the knot before doing it...with Nikes.
(https://www.aaroads.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fvignette1.wikia.nocookie.net%2Fragecomics%2Fimages%2F5%2F55%2FTobey-Maguire-Stupid-Face.jpg%2Frevision%2Flatest%3Fcb%3D20130309200428&hash=93ccbb223694bd235fdac7f79422d5135814da62)
When I saw today's comics, I couldn't help but think of this thread.
(https://www.aaroads.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi31.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fc378%2F1995hoo%2Fe67d622198c449d08a16a7736e096d42_zpslffyhdyf.jpg&hash=1722c94586436e9b80d0e89edf189f0701fb7103)
Quote from: Brandon on January 18, 2017, 05:42:29 PM
take the plunge.
That's moving pretty quickly for a first date. :bigass:
Quote from: kphoger on January 19, 2017, 11:15:10 AM
Quote from: Brandon on January 18, 2017, 05:42:29 PM
take the plunge.
That's moving pretty quickly for a first date. :bigass:
Eh, depends on what you mean by "plunge"
Oral sex is pre-first date behavior. Kids these days...
Quote from: NE2 on January 19, 2017, 11:18:30 AM
Oral sex is pre-first date behavior. Kids these days...
Oral sex isn't sex, and it's perfectly safe, and nothing will ever happen because of it.
Quote from: jeffandnicole on January 19, 2017, 01:19:27 PM
Quote from: NE2 on January 19, 2017, 11:18:30 AM
Oral sex is pre-first date behavior. Kids these days...
Oral sex isn't sex, and it's perfectly safe, and nothing will ever happen because of it.
And as soon as the bonds are paid off, they'll take away the toll booths and make it a freeway.
Quote from: jeffandnicole on January 19, 2017, 01:19:27 PM
Quote from: NE2 on January 19, 2017, 11:18:30 AM
Oral sex is pre-first date behavior. Kids these days...
Oral sex isn't sex, and it's perfectly safe, and nothing will ever happen because of it.
It depends on what the definition of "is" is, according to a former President. :happy:
Quote from: jeffandnicole on January 19, 2017, 01:19:27 PMOral sex isn't sex, and it's perfectly safe, and nothing will ever happen because of it.
The American Red Cross would disagree with that statement.
Policy and Process Information, Click on Health History Screening, see 3rd paragraph (http://www.redcrossblood.org/donating-blood/lgbtq-donors)
Quote from: jeffandnicole on January 19, 2017, 01:19:27 PM
Quote from: NE2 on January 19, 2017, 11:18:30 AM
Oral sex is pre-first date behavior. Kids these days...
Oral sex isn't sex, and it's perfectly safe, and nothing will ever happen because of it.
Yes, Bill Clinton defined that well for us :)
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 19, 2017, 02:54:32 PM
Quote from: jeffandnicole on January 19, 2017, 01:19:27 PM
Quote from: NE2 on January 19, 2017, 11:18:30 AM
Oral sex is pre-first date behavior. Kids these days...
Oral sex isn't sex, and it's perfectly safe, and nothing will ever happen because of it.
It depends on what the definition of "is" is, according to a former President. :happy:
Quote from: texaskdog on January 19, 2017, 03:37:24 PM
Quote from: jeffandnicole on January 19, 2017, 01:19:27 PM
Quote from: NE2 on January 19, 2017, 11:18:30 AM
Oral sex is pre-first date behavior. Kids these days...
Oral sex isn't sex, and it's perfectly safe, and nothing will ever happen because of it.
Yes, Bill Clinton defined that well for us :)
(https://www.aaroads.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fr.fod4.com%2Fhttp%3A%2F%2Fa.fod4.com%2Fimages%2Fuser_photos%2F1256288%2F4b6ddef16bf94f54f96d87acb3e1fe3b_original.jpg&hash=45e4778c676e7e4e1797f584a376679e5a476d22)
^^ OK, I just laughed out loud at work. :rofl:
Quote from: formulanone on January 18, 2017, 07:24:34 PM
Quote from: 1995hoo on January 18, 2017, 06:32:27 PM
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 18, 2017, 06:02:55 PM
Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!
That's moving pretty quickly for a first date. :bigass:
Some would say you have to tie the knot before doing it...with Nikes.
So... BDSM before doing it? Kinky!
Yeah none of that is happening on my first date. I might get lucky after a couple of dates and get my first kiss.
Did you ask her yet?
Quote from: cl94 on January 19, 2017, 08:45:29 PM
Did you ask her yet?
He'd better have. He said "my first date." So there had better be a first date planned.
Quote from: kphoger on January 19, 2017, 09:09:51 PM
Quote from: cl94 on January 19, 2017, 08:45:29 PM
Did you ask her yet?
He'd better have. He said "my first date." So there had better be a first date planned.
I am tomorrow, because that is when I'll see her. I really have no choice at this point anyways. She now 100% knows I like her, so I pretty much have to ask her out now. I'm really stressed out over it though.
There's all this peer pressure, too. You can't let us all down now!
Quote from: kphoger on January 19, 2017, 09:22:23 PM
There's all this peer pressure, too. You can't let us all down now!
Yeah. I'm so stressed out right now though. I don't even know what to say to her, but I'll figure something out. I'm good at talking my way through stuff. I'll probably just tell her that what my friend said was true and that I think she is really nice and that I think we have a lot in common and I just wanted to see if maybe she would like to go to dinner with me whenever she is not busy.
Don't say you think you have a lot in common. It sounds like you're making a practical decision based on factors of compatibility. Sexy, right?
Tell her you'd like to do _____ with her (the date thing, not the other thing). What she wants to hear is that you want to spend time with her because you enjoy her company.
Yeah, there's no need to justify why you're asking her on a date, and doing so only increases the risk of saying something silly when you're nervous.
Just, "Hi [Jane], would you like to meet me at [Joint] for dinner this week? How's Friday or Saturday look for you? [Negotiate date] Great; see you Saturday."
Yeah, don't say you have something in common and do not say she reminds you of a family member. DON'T. If she says you remind her of a family member, welcome to the friend zone.
Quote from: kphoger on January 19, 2017, 09:33:25 PM
Don't say you think you have a lot in common. It sounds like you're making a practical decision based on factors of compatibility. Sexy, right?
Tell her you'd like to do _____ with her (the date thing, not the other thing). What she wants to hear is that you want to spend time with her because you enjoy her company.
Since I won't have a lot of time to talk to her would this would?
Me: "Here's my number (hand her a card with my name and number on it). If you'd like to go out to dinner or to a movie later or some other time just hmu"
Quote from: US 41 on January 19, 2017, 10:01:32 PM
Since I won't have a lot of time to talk to her would this would?
Me: "Here's my number (hand her a card with my name and number on it). If you'd like to go out to dinner or to a movie later or some other time just hmu"
1. Don't make her call you. Ask for her number if you absolutely cannot get it scheduled face to face (and if you get to the point, it should only take a minute to schedule).
2. "Some time" is not a date. At least say "this weekend," "next week," etc. If she'd like to but can't that soon, she'll tell you that.
3. Save "hmu" for your bros. That's not how you ask someone on a date.
NOOO!!!! BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD.
Don't hand her a stinking card, my friend....!!
:banghead:
Oh dear me....
Just ask her out.
Quote from: cl94 on January 19, 2017, 09:58:18 PM
If she says you remind her of a family member, welcome to the friend zone.
Unless you can stick it out for several years until she realizes everyone else is not what she wants in a man, and what she actually desires is someone like her father. Cause then you're IN, baby! :D
Quote from: kphoger on January 19, 2017, 10:11:05 PM
NOOO!!!! BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD.
Don't hand her a stinking card, my friend....!!
:banghead:
Oh dear me....
Just ask her out.
Let's repeat that last part:
JUST ASK HER OUT
Quote from: marleythedog on January 19, 2017, 10:10:10 PM
Quote from: US 41 on January 19, 2017, 10:01:32 PM
Since I won't have a lot of time to talk to her would this would?
Me: "Here's my number (hand her a card with my name and number on it). If you'd like to go out to dinner or to a movie later or some other time just hmu"
1. Don't make her call you. Ask for her number if you absolutely cannot get it scheduled face to face (and if you get to the point, it should only take a minute to schedule).
2. "Some time" is not a date. At least say "this weekend," "next week," etc. If she'd like to but can't that soon, she'll tell you that.
3. Save "hmu" for your bros. That's not how you ask someone on a date.
Another thought regarding #2.....if a girl gives you some excuse, it can be tough to know whether it's a real excuse or whether she isn't interested but doesn't want to say "no." I remember a couple of times where I assumed (wrongly, it turned out later) that it was the latter and I didn't ask again. Then later with another girl, one I really liked, I decided to take it as a real excuse and it turned out she WAS doing the "didn't want to say 'no'" thing. That one really stung and I more or less just gave up for two or three years.
There's no good solution, but looking back some 20—23 years later, as much as it stung, I'm glad I made the last girl finally admit she wasn't interested because at least I knew. I think I asked three times before she said she liked me only as a friend. When I have later learned that one of the other ones would have been interested if I'd asked again and not assumed she was playing games, I think that one bugged me more.
Quote from: cl94 on January 19, 2017, 10:15:09 PM
Quote from: kphoger on January 19, 2017, 10:11:05 PM
NOOO!!!! BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD.
Don't hand her a stinking card, my friend....!!
:banghead:
Oh dear me....
Just ask her out.
Let's repeat that last part:
JUST ASK HER OUT
To emphasize further
JUST ASK HER OUT
Quote from: US 41 on January 19, 2017, 10:01:32 PM
Quote from: kphoger on January 19, 2017, 09:33:25 PM
Don't say you think you have a lot in common. It sounds like you're making a practical decision based on factors of compatibility. Sexy, right?
Tell her you'd like to do _____ with her (the date thing, not the other thing). What she wants to hear is that you want to spend time with her because you enjoy her company.
Since I won't have a lot of time to talk to her would this would?
Me: "Here's my number (hand her a card with my name and number on it). If you'd like to go out to dinner or to a movie later or some other time just hmu"
LOL...
I was handed a card once by a girl...when I was working a toll booth on the NJ Turnpike! It was all glittery and such. It was literaly a business card with her name and number on it. Eventually in our 30 second talk which was going to go nowhere since I was married, I handed her the card back. I told a lot of people about that one.
So...to sum that up: Business cards are good to have clients remember you. Cards are good for friends to remember you...as being a topic of a joke.
JUST ASK HER OUT.
(https://www.aaroads.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.city-data.com%2Fforum%2Fattachment.php%3Fattachmentid%3D180011%26amp%3Bd%3D1484912053&hash=a55557a80c2a5b987bd308b8866aa408f0bf1712)
Quote from: LM117 on January 20, 2017, 06:37:12 AM
(https://www.aaroads.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.city-data.com%2Fforum%2Fattachment.php%3Fattachmentid%3D180011%26amp%3Bd%3D1484912053&hash=a55557a80c2a5b987bd308b8866aa408f0bf1712)
?
Quote from: kkt on January 20, 2017, 10:46:31 AM
Quote from: LM117 on January 20, 2017, 06:37:12 AM
(https://www.aaroads.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.city-data.com%2Fforum%2Fattachment.php%3Fattachmentid%3D180011%26amp%3Bd%3D1484912053&hash=a55557a80c2a5b987bd308b8866aa408f0bf1712)
?
Whoops, didn't realize the link was broke. Lemme try this again...
(https://www.aaroads.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FmKjbg9h.jpg&hash=c7dc746247d643262cf9bbea9a06bad20928d6f0)
Quote from: cl94 on January 19, 2017, 09:58:18 PM
Yeah, don't say you have something in common and do not say she reminds you of a family member. DON'T. If she says you remind her of a family member, welcome to the friend zone.
Had one tell me I looked like her brother once upon a time. :banghead: :ded:
Quote from: hbelkins on January 20, 2017, 09:16:10 PM
Quote from: cl94 on January 19, 2017, 09:58:18 PM
Yeah, don't say you have something in common and do not say she reminds you of a family member. DON'T. If she says you remind her of a family member, welcome to the friend zone.
Had one tell me I looked like her brother once upon a time. :banghead: :ded:
One told me I reminded her of her dad and grandfather... gee, thanks :ded:
This thread is on its fifth page and the OP still has not asked the girl out.
Quote from: Duke87 on January 20, 2017, 09:39:17 PM
This thread is on its fifth page and the OP still has not asked the girl out.
Which is the story of all of our lives, once upon a time. :p
I ended up asking the girl out, and she said yes, but only as friends because she already has a boyfriend. She could have told me that before...
...epilogue: my German coworker showed me a few pictures of her niece, who's a year younger than me, single, attractive, and visiting the US this summer. I'm over the last one.
Quote from: Takumi on January 20, 2017, 10:53:37 PM
I ended up asking the girl out, and she said yes, but only as friends because she already has a boyfriend. She could have told me that before...
...epilogue: my German coworker showed me a few pictures of her niece, who's a year younger than me, single, attractive, and visiting the US this summer. I'm over the last one.
It could also mean that things aren't all that great with the current bf, and she's beginning to open up to other options. Don't totally discount just starting as friends. Had I not been so oblivious in college, I would have noticed that a girl, who was taken at the time, ended up being more interested in me than who she was seeing at the time.
Thanks, but the wording implied it's not happening.
Quote from: Takumi on January 20, 2017, 10:53:37 PM
I ended up asking the girl out, and she said yes, but only as friends because she already has a boyfriend. She could have told me that before...
Ouch...
^ n.b. for anyone who may have misinterpreted (I was momentarily), that wasn't the OP.
Yeah, just happened to have a similar situation going on.
Why you don't try making a WhatsApp group of all the coworkers in order to get her number?
Then you can contact with her out of work and you can always ask things about work and that to the other coworkers if you need.
It's just an idea, good luck and don't worry! :thumbsup:
Yes, for someone who's 20, Takumi looks awfully 30.
Another thing for the OP... When you go on your date, dont let it turn into a work bitch or gossip session... Real easy to turn that way since y'all work together.
Remember to ask her open ended questions and let her talk, and you listen. You dont want to be a "know it all" or "one upper"... I can very easily become a know it all.. I have to fight it... Thanks ADHD LOL
LGMS428
OK, OP, time for an update!
There's only one solution to this issue: Beat up the boyfriend.
I bet the OP is sorry he asked by now :)
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 21, 2017, 08:59:23 PM
Quote from: 1995hoo on January 21, 2017, 08:05:37 PM
OK, OP, time for an update!
^YEAH....WHAT HE SAID!!^
(https://cdn.meme.am/cache/instances/folder370/400x/69758370.jpg)
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 18, 2017, 06:02:55 PM
Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!
Maybe this is why there's no update. You can't easily post when you're asleep. :biggrin:
If I read right, it's not the girl the OP's interested in who has a boyfriend. It was the girl Takumi was interested in.
Quote from: 1995hoo on January 22, 2017, 09:36:44 AM
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 18, 2017, 06:02:55 PM
Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!
Maybe this is why there's no update. You can't easily post when you're asleep. :biggrin:
(https://www.aaroads.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi0.kym-cdn.com%2Fphotos%2Fimages%2Ffacebook%2F000%2F592%2F253%2F714.jpg&hash=861477608a94294b65a834f2d58a0d13626a09e7)
Quote from: hbelkins on January 22, 2017, 02:02:47 PM
If I read right, it's not the girl the OP's interested in who has a boyfriend. It was the girl Takumi was interested in.
I still think Takumi should beat up the boyfriend.
Quote from: 1995hoo on January 22, 2017, 09:36:44 AM
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 18, 2017, 06:02:55 PM
Yep, time to take Nike's advice and just do it!
Maybe this is why there's no update. You can't easily post when you're asleep. :biggrin:
Must have been one hell of a weekend then!
I asked via a FB message, but she said she's back with her ex. Oh well. I do feel a lot better now that I did ask.
Quote from: US 41 on January 23, 2017, 03:26:16 PM
I asked via a FB message, but she said she's back with her ex. Oh well. I do feel a lot better now that I did ask.
Attaboy.
Quote from: Rothman on January 23, 2017, 03:28:59 PM
Quote from: US 41 on January 23, 2017, 03:26:16 PM
I asked via a FB message, but she said she's back with her ex. Oh well. I do feel a lot better now that I did ask.
Attaboy.
I do realize now that I was making a really big deal out of something that shouldn't have been a big deal. My only regret is that I should have asked her out right when she said she was single back in late November. Oh well. She's not the only girl in the world.
Does it hurt that she's with someone else: Yes.
Will I care in a couple of days: I seriously doubt it.
Quote from: US 41 on January 23, 2017, 03:33:13 PM
Quote from: Rothman on January 23, 2017, 03:28:59 PM
Quote from: US 41 on January 23, 2017, 03:26:16 PM
I asked via a FB message, but she said she's back with her ex. Oh well. I do feel a lot better now that I did ask.
Attaboy.
I do realize now that I was making a really big deal out of something that shouldn't have been a big deal. My only regret is that I should have asked her out right when she said she was single back in late November. Oh well. She's not the only girl in the world.
Does it hurt that she's with someone else: Yes.
Will I care in a couple of days: I seriously doubt it.
Now you know. It'll be easier in the future.
:clap:
And now you have asked a girl out. Next time will be easier.
Be sure to find a way to stay informed about her relationship with her not-an-ex-anymore. If they split up, ask her out again.
Look for the lover you deserve, not the one you want, and you'll realize they're what you wanted all along.
Quote from: hbelkins on January 23, 2017, 05:03:00 PM
Be sure to find a way to stay informed about her relationship with her not-an-ex-anymore. If they split up, ask her out again.
Yeah, I'll pass on that. Her friend told me they've been together one month and not the next since high school. I guess he treats her horribly, but I guess that's what some girls want. Idk. I just wanted to be the one that treated her right, because I do care about her, but I can't save everyone I guess. Unless she comes after me, I'm not asking her again. Like if in a few days or in a week or so she says hey I was thinking about it and I'd rather be with you than him I would happily take her. But I'm not going to wait around on her either. And even if I do find out she's single again, I'm still not asking her. It will have to be her that asks next time. If she's that in love with the guy, I'm not even going to hold my breath that I'll ever have a chance.
Besides there's a different girl I'm considering asking out anyways. And please note that I said considering, and not that I am going/wanting to. I'll have to think it over first before I decide whether or not I will.
Quote from: US 41 on January 23, 2017, 05:46:40 PM
Besides there's a different girl I'm asking out anyways.
I'll be waiting.
Quote from: US 41 on January 23, 2017, 05:46:40 PM
Quote from: hbelkins on January 23, 2017, 05:03:00 PM
Be sure to find a way to stay informed about her relationship with her not-an-ex-anymore. If they split up, ask her out again.
Yeah, I'll pass on that. Her friend told me they've been together one month and not the next since high school. I guess he treats her horribly, but I guess that's what some girls want. Idk. I just wanted to be the one that treated her right, because I do care about her, but I can't save everyone I guess. Unless she comes after me, I'm not asking her again. Like if in a few days or in a week or so she says hey I was thinking about it and I'd rather be with you than him I would happily take her. But I'm not going to wait around on her either. And even if I do find out she's single again, I'm still not asking her. It will have to be her that asks next time. If she's that in love with the guy, I'm not even going to hold my breath that I'll ever have a chance.
Besides there's a different girl I'm considering asking out anyways. And please note that I said considering, and not that I am going/wanting to. I'll have to think it over first before I decide whether or not I will.
Good call. Girls that have a long history of on-again, off-again relationships with the same guy are best avoided, IMO. I learned that the hard way years ago.
Quote from: LM117 on January 23, 2017, 07:01:17 PM
Quote from: US 41 on January 23, 2017, 05:46:40 PM
Quote from: hbelkins on January 23, 2017, 05:03:00 PM
Be sure to find a way to stay informed about her relationship with her not-an-ex-anymore. If they split up, ask her out again.
Yeah, I'll pass on that. Her friend told me they've been together one month and not the next since high school. I guess he treats her horribly, but I guess that's what some girls want. Idk. I just wanted to be the one that treated her right, because I do care about her, but I can't save everyone I guess. Unless she comes after me, I'm not asking her again. Like if in a few days or in a week or so she says hey I was thinking about it and I'd rather be with you than him I would happily take her. But I'm not going to wait around on her either. And even if I do find out she's single again, I'm still not asking her. It will have to be her that asks next time. If she's that in love with the guy, I'm not even going to hold my breath that I'll ever have a chance.
Besides there's a different girl I'm considering asking out anyways. And please note that I said considering, and not that I am going/wanting to. I'll have to think it over first before I decide whether or not I will.
Good call. Girls that have a long history of on-again, off-again relationships with the same guy are best avoided, IMO. I learned that the hard way years ago.
YES. Avoid them. While the guy likely has issues, she probably has issues as well if she keeps going back to the same guy.
Quote from: LM117 on January 23, 2017, 07:01:17 PM
Girls that have a long history of on-again, off-again relationships with the same guy are best avoided, IMO.
Unless you're that same guy. And you love her that much.
https://youtu.be/wknzr89DKk8
Quote from: US 41 on January 23, 2017, 05:46:40 PM
I guess he treats her horribly, but I guess that's what some girls want.
I wouldn't say it's a question of wanting such treatment as it is not having the emotional fortitude to stay away from it. Abusive relationships can be somewhat like a smoking habit in that regard, you know it's bad for you but it's very difficult to quit for good because whenever you're feeling down it's highly tempting to start again because you know it will make you feel better in the short term.
It doesn't even necessarily have to involve this sort of on and off thing. I know someone who is dating and lives with a man who, once upon a time, was stalking her. He's abusive and manipulative, but they've been consistently together for some time in spite of it. She's never dated anyone else and he's successfully convinced her that no other man will ever love her. So, she stays with him in spite of the abuse because she doesn't feel she has any real alternative.
Quote from: DaBigE on January 20, 2017, 11:14:18 PM
Quote from: Takumi on January 20, 2017, 10:53:37 PM
I ended up asking the girl out, and she said yes, but only as friends because she already has a boyfriend. She could have told me that before...
...epilogue: my German coworker showed me a few pictures of her niece, who's a year younger than me, single, attractive, and visiting the US this summer. I'm over the last one.
It could also mean that things aren't all that great with the current bf, and she's beginning to open up to other options. Don't totally discount just starting as friends. Had I not been so oblivious in college, I would have noticed that a girl, who was taken at the time, ended up being more interested in me than who she was seeing at the time.
Yeah, she's looking for the better offer i.e. bad boy and guess what "YOU'RE THE BAD BOY"....just play it cool!!!!!
Quote from: NE2 on January 23, 2017, 05:39:08 PM
Look for the lover you deserve, not the one you want, and you'll realize they're what you wanted all along.
The moral of every 80s movie (Some Kind of Wonderful is a good place to start)
Quote from: US 41 on January 23, 2017, 05:46:40 PM
I would happily take her.
Someone needs a cold shower.
Quote from: US 41 on January 23, 2017, 05:46:40 PM
Quote from: hbelkins on January 23, 2017, 05:03:00 PM
Be sure to find a way to stay informed about her relationship with her not-an-ex-anymore. If they split up, ask her out again.
Yeah, I'll pass on that. Her friend told me they've been together one month and not the next since high school. I guess he treats her horribly, but I guess that's what some girls want. Idk. I just wanted to be the one that treated her right, because I do care about her, but I can't save everyone I guess. Unless she comes after me, I'm not asking her again. Like if in a few days or in a week or so she says hey I was thinking about it and I'd rather be with you than him I would happily take her. But I'm not going to wait around on her either. And even if I do find out she's single again, I'm still not asking her. It will have to be her that asks next time. If she's that in love with the guy, I'm not even going to hold my breath that I'll ever have a chance.
Besides there's a different girl I'm considering asking out anyways. And please note that I said considering, and not that I am going/wanting to. I'll have to think it over first before I decide whether or not I will.
True, stay away from women like that who are only attracted to those who treat them badly. They rarely change.
Quote from: US 41 on January 23, 2017, 05:46:40 PMBesides there's a different girl I'm considering asking out anyways. And please note that I said considering, and not that I am going/wanting to. I'll have to think it over first before I decide whether or not I will.
You've got this backwards - ask her out, go on a date, and then from the date, decide if you want to pursue the relationship. Otherwise, you'll get stuck in analysis paralysis.
Quote from: TXtoNJ on January 24, 2017, 05:13:20 PM
Quote from: US 41 on January 23, 2017, 05:46:40 PMBesides there's a different girl I'm considering asking out anyways. And please note that I said considering, and not that I am going/wanting to. I'll have to think it over first before I decide whether or not I will.
You've got this backwards - ask her out, go on a date, and then from the date, decide if you want to pursue the relationship. Otherwise, you'll get stuck in analysis paralysis.
Good point.
Hopefully I did not say this before but talk to said future lady beforehand and figure out her interests, rather than asking every woman on the same generic date. Does she like the theatre? Concert? Museum? Is she outdoorsy you can try a hike or bike ride. Try a picnic. We have an "Ifly" here in Austin that simulates jumping out of a plan. There are ziplines here too. If you do settle on dinner is she a vegetarian? There is a place in Dallas called "Medieval Times" with a Renaissance Theme. Sometimes the yes or no answer is contingent on whether the activity sounds fun, not just if she likes you. Don't go too overboard though since you may have to follow up with future dates. Plus, I used to try to figure out if they had boyfriends first. Later on I figure most women are dating someone, but not all, once I dated someone who drove 65 miles to meet me and she was "married but looking" (I know, best to avoid those, but my point is sometimes they are unhappy and looking for the next boyfriend. Good luck to you and congratulations for being brave! Believe me, every time is easier than the last.
A lot of women have this misdirected maternal instinct where they get stuck on the "I can fix him" spin. Personally, I think it's more a manifestation of low self-esteem. Unfortunately, with those, you just have to say "no" and wait for them to finally get burned enough to pull themselves away from the fire. If you get involved with one of them when they're in their early 20's, and before it clicks with them that these guys suck, then they're just going to burn you because you're not enough of a project for them.
And I say this from experience: my wife was married before me to a "project," but it finally clicked in her that he wasn't actually going to change despite all her efforts.
It's a maturity issue. I think the best catches are the confident women that aren't desperately seeking companionship, just because they're built up as an independent person. But, of course, they're harder to find, and that is asking a lot of a 20-year-old. And I should add that, if I could go back and change anything from my 20's, it would be to stop concentrating so much on finding "the one" and instead just have a good time. I had a good time in my 20's anyway, but I think it would have been more fun had I not spent time focused on building meaningful relationships.
Amen, brother
Quote from: coatimundi on January 25, 2017, 12:50:06 PM
A lot of women have this misdirected maternal instinct where they get stuck on the "I can fix him" spin. Personally, I think it's more a manifestation of low self-esteem. Unfortunately, with those, you just have to say "no" and wait for them to finally get burned enough to pull themselves away from the fire. If you get involved with one of them when they're in their early 20's, and before it clicks with them that these guys suck, then they're just going to burn you because you're not enough of a project for them.
And I say this from experience: my wife was married before me to a "project," but it finally clicked in her that he wasn't actually going to change despite all her efforts.
It's a maturity issue. I think the best catches are the confident women that aren't desperately seeking companionship, just because they're built up as an independent person. But, of course, they're harder to find, and that is asking a lot of a 20-year-old. And I should add that, if I could go back and change anything from my 20's, it would be to stop concentrating so much on finding "the one" and instead just have a good time. I had a good time in my 20's anyway, but I think it would have been more fun had I not spent time focused on building meaningful relationships.
Well said.
Quote from: slorydn1 on January 25, 2017, 11:30:06 PM
Quote from: coatimundi on January 25, 2017, 12:50:06 PM
A lot of women have this misdirected maternal instinct where they get stuck on the "I can fix him" spin. Personally, I think it's more a manifestation of low self-esteem. Unfortunately, with those, you just have to say "no" and wait for them to finally get burned enough to pull themselves away from the fire. If you get involved with one of them when they're in their early 20's, and before it clicks with them that these guys suck, then they're just going to burn you because you're not enough of a project for them.
And I say this from experience: my wife was married before me to a "project," but it finally clicked in her that he wasn't actually going to change despite all her efforts.
It's a maturity issue. I think the best catches are the confident women that aren't desperately seeking companionship, just because they're built up as an independent person. But, of course, they're harder to find, and that is asking a lot of a 20-year-old. And I should add that, if I could go back and change anything from my 20's, it would be to stop concentrating so much on finding "the one" and instead just have a good time. I had a good time in my 20's anyway, but I think it would have been more fun had I not spent time focused on building meaningful relationships.
Well said.
I wasted 30 years of my life on someone I found in my 20's and missed a lot of good opportunity because of it. I found someone who I'm pretty much totally simpatico with when I was 50. We're going on 5 years together
XT1254
Yeah I'm not sweating it. I know I can do better than her anyways. I kind of set my high standards a little too low this time around.
Quote from: US 41 on January 26, 2017, 05:58:36 PM
Yeah I'm not sweating it. I know I can do better than her anyways. I kind of set my high standards a little too low this time around.
(https://www.aaroads.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcubsindia.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F08%2Fsour1.jpg&hash=99c9042b1920239d35f0012b72b80182b6b9fad0)
Quote from: US 41 on January 19, 2017, 10:01:32 PM
Quote from: kphoger on January 19, 2017, 09:33:25 PM
Don't say you think you have a lot in common. It sounds like you're making a practical decision based on factors of compatibility. Sexy, right?
Tell her you'd like to do _____ with her (the date thing, not the other thing). What she wants to hear is that you want to spend time with her because you enjoy her company.
Since I won't have a lot of time to talk to her would this would?
Me: "Here's my number (hand her a card with my name and number on it). If you'd like to go out to dinner or to a movie later or some other time just hmu"
I'm way behind on this, but there is a point here that needs making.
Never ask a woman to do something passively. Never make it seem like it's no big deal to you whether they do or they don't. Never let it be, "if you want..."
A lesson I learned many years ago, and was told explicitly by the offended woman, Is that people want to know that you want them to do whatever it is with you. They like that you care!
I told this particular woman that she was "welcome to join me" in something or other. She didn't, and she told me why later. I wanted her to join me, but I was afraid of sounding like I did, because when you put yourself out there you make yourself vulnerable to rejection. I should have said, "Would you please join me."
You will get farther by being clear that you want what you want and being vulnerable to rejection than you will by playing it safe and acting indifferent.
Right on, Duke of Dorchester!
Quote from: coatimundi on January 25, 2017, 12:50:06 PM
the "I can fix him" spin.
When my sister first moved away from home, she got into an "I can fix him" relationship. They lived together for seven years, then got married, then got divorced one year after that. The biggest problem? She fixed him! Her project was over, so there was nothing left of the relationship. That was back in the late 1990s. It took her until just a couple of months ago to remarry.
Quote from: kphoger on January 28, 2017, 04:12:20 PM
Quote from: coatimundi on January 25, 2017, 12:50:06 PM
the "I can fix him" spin.
When my sister first moved away from home, she got into an "I can fix him" relationship. They lived together for seven years, then got married, then got divorced one year after that. The biggest problem? She fixed him! Her project was over, so there was nothing left of the relationship. That was back in the late 1990s. It took her until just a couple of months ago to remarry.
My first serious relationship didn't end well. We met in college, but she was from that town. I wasn't ready to get married in any way -- financially, emotionally or in any other way -- and the two-year relationship had become somewhat of a burden, to be honest. I finished college in December and already had a job lined up in my hometown so I came back home. She had a semester left. We saw each other on the weekends but that became complicated by car trouble and my job duties. We grew apart and it finally just ran its natural course.
I certainly wasn't a fixer-upper by any means, but this was my first serious relationship and I didn't become involved in it until my senior year of college. So the "first love" that many experience while they're in high school; I hadn't even known yet. She wrote me a letter after we split and said something like, "I spent too much time trying to turn you into my idea of a perfect man and it made both of us miserable." That's probably true. She was a bit out of my league. Her dad owned a prominent business and her family was very well-known in town. Both my parents were working people. They lived in town. I was from the country. In many ways, she tried to get me do things that in lots of ways were out of character for me; so much so that I found it necessary to apologize to a number of people years later for what I'd done while I was dating her.
I got a very touching card from her mother after my own mother died. (I later found out that her family adored me and blamed her for the breakup). I knew she got married a few years later. I ran into her a few years later quite by accident when our jobs caused our paths to cross. She had divorced. We saw each other a couple of times casually as friends and I really think she was trying to open the door to rekindling a relationship that had ended nearly a decade earlier, but I wasn't willing to go down that route. We stayed in touch for a while, mostly for professional reasons, before drifting apart again.
Like many people from the past seem to do, she popped up on Facebook a few years ago. She's since remarried, has had children, and is a military wife so she's moved around the country and the world. She rejected my friend request with a note that she uses FB mostly to keep in touch with a group of military wives and mothers, although she does have a handful of college friends with whom I'm also friends on her list. I didn't take it personally. It was just not meant to be.
But yeah, the "bad boy" type and the "I can fix or tame him" mindset is common and a lot of women take on those projects. Even those who don't want to fix the man, but instead mold and shape him into what they want -- sand off the rough edges, if you will.
Me and the girl I asked out finally talked today. We both acted like nothing ever happened and just talked like always. So I mean later on, if (or rather when) she breaks up with her current bf, then that door could open up again sometime (I'll just have to make a move ASAP next time if it does); but for now I'm definitely moving on and I do have my eyes on another girl right now, so there's that.
Asking someone out definitely wasn't something I should have stressed about though. I feel foolish for being so nervous now. Whoever said that I should just have fun with it, was basically right. I definitely feel better prepared for when I ask this other girl out.
Quote from: US 41 on January 28, 2017, 08:33:42 PM
Me and the girl I asked out finally talked today. We both acted like nothing ever happened and just talked like always. So I mean later on, if (or rather when) she breaks up with her current bf, then that door could open up again sometime (I'll just have to make a move ASAP next time if it does); but for now I'm definitely moving on and I do have my eyes on another girl right now, so there's that.
Asking someone out definitely wasn't something I should have stressed about though. I feel foolish for being so nervous now. Whoever said that I should just have fun with it, was basically right. I definitely feel better prepared for when I ask this other girl out.
Good to hear man! May the next girl work better, you got the nervousness and anxiety done with
LGMS428
Quote from: kphoger on January 28, 2017, 04:12:20 PM
Quote from: coatimundi on January 25, 2017, 12:50:06 PM
the "I can fix him" spin.
When my sister first moved away from home, she got into an "I can fix him" relationship. They lived together for seven years, then got married, then got divorced one year after that. The biggest problem? She fixed him! Her project was over, so there was nothing left of the relationship. That was back in the late 1990s. It took her until just a couple of months ago to remarry.
Very true, again back to bad-boy syndrome
You probably need to learn this the hard way (I did), but don't lose sight of the fact that there's more to life than chasing women. Society's attitude seems to be all about tying yourself to someone and going from there, but I'm finding doing the reverse of that (worrying about myself first and then deciding to chase love some other time) has been working well for me.
Quote from: TheHighwayMan394 on January 31, 2017, 02:42:24 AM
You probably need to learn this the hard way (I did), but don't lose sight of the fact that there's more to life than chasing women. Society's attitude seems to be all about tying yourself to someone and going from there, but I'm finding doing the reverse of that (worrying about myself first and then deciding to chase love some other time) has been working well for me.
If we ever met you would know in about 5 minutes that what you just said is how I live my life. I'm more or less just looking for someone that I can go do stuff with once in a while (like going to games, movies, just hanging out, etc.). Most of my friends moved away for college or are in relationships themselves, so I'm just kind of lonely tbh.
Quote from: US 41 on January 28, 2017, 08:33:42 PM
Me and the girl I asked out finally talked today. We both acted like nothing ever happened and just talked like always. So I mean later on, if (or rather when) she breaks up with her current bf, then that door could open up again sometime (I'll just have to make a move ASAP next time if it does); but for now I'm definitely moving on and I do have my eyes on another girl right now, so there's that.
Just move on. She'll have to make the move if she wants that. Your job is to go and meet new people.
And if you're lonely, find a hobby that involves other people! Having social fun in life makes you more attractive to people.
Update on the new girl?
Quote from: cl94 on February 14, 2017, 02:12:55 PM
Update on the new girl?
He put out on the first date.
US 41 is a he.
Quote from: NE2 on February 17, 2017, 10:36:18 PM
US 41 is a he.
Yes, I figured that (although I guess in today's world, US 41 could be a "she".....). I kinda thought you'd run with the joke.
I don't derive the same humor from the implication of homosexuality that bigoted bumclowns do.
Quote from: NE2 on February 18, 2017, 10:13:24 AM
I don't derive the same humor from the implication of homosexuality that bigoted bumclowns do.
I was wondering when your desire to post stupid insults would trump your ability to take a joke. I should have known.
Quote from: 1995hoo on February 18, 2017, 11:08:05 AM
Quote from: NE2 on February 18, 2017, 10:13:24 AM
I don't derive the same humor from the implication of homosexuality that bigoted bumclowns do.
I was wondering when your desire to post stupid insults would trump your ability to take a joke. I should have known.
Now you're just baiting him. :bigass:
Quote from: hbelkins on February 18, 2017, 07:56:52 PM
Quote from: 1995hoo on February 18, 2017, 11:08:05 AM
Quote from: NE2 on February 18, 2017, 10:13:24 AM
I don't derive the same humor from the implication of homosexuality that bigoted bumclowns do.
I was wondering when your desire to post stupid insults would trump your ability to take a joke. I should have known.
Now you're just baiting him. :bigass:
I was hoping he'd give me two pence for my thoughts.
Time to lock the thread?
Seems like a good idea. Wouldn't want things to get to the point where we have to start Bannon people.