Asking a girl on a date question (I'm 20)

[US 41]

Besides there's a different girl I'm considering asking out anyways. And please note that I said considering, and not that I am going/wanting to. I'll have to think it over first before I decide whether or not I will.

You've got this backwards - ask her out, go on a date, and then from the date, decide if you want to pursue the relationship. Otherwise, you'll get stuck in analysis paralysis.

Good point.

[texaskdog]

Hopefully I did not say this before but talk to said future lady beforehand and figure out her interests, rather than asking every woman on the same generic date.  Does she like the theatre?  Concert?  Museum?  Is she outdoorsy you can try a hike or bike ride.  Try a picnic.  We have an "Ifly" here in Austin that simulates jumping out of a plan.  There are ziplines here too.  If you do settle on dinner is she a vegetarian?  There is a place in Dallas called "Medieval Times" with a Renaissance Theme.  Sometimes the yes or no answer is contingent on whether the activity sounds fun, not just if she likes you.  Don't go too overboard though since you may have to follow up with future dates.    Plus, I used to try to figure out if they had boyfriends first.  Later on I figure most women are dating someone, but not all, once I dated someone who drove 65 miles to meet me and she was "married but looking" (I know, best to avoid those, but my point is sometimes they are unhappy and looking for the next boyfriend.  Good luck to you and congratulations for being brave!  Believe me, every time is easier than the last.

[coatimundi]

A lot of women have this misdirected maternal instinct where they get stuck on the "I can fix him" spin. Personally, I think it's more a manifestation of low self-esteem. Unfortunately, with those, you just have to say "no" and wait for them to finally get burned enough to pull themselves away from the fire. If you get involved with one of them when they're in their early 20's, and before it clicks with them that these guys suck, then they're just going to burn you because you're not enough of a project for them.
And I say this from experience: my wife was married before me to a "project," but it finally clicked in her that he wasn't actually going to change despite all her efforts.

It's a maturity issue. I think the best catches are the confident women that aren't desperately seeking companionship, just because they're built up as an independent person. But, of course, they're harder to find, and that is asking a lot of a 20-year-old. And I should add that, if I could go back and change anything from my 20's, it would be to stop concentrating so much on finding "the one" and instead just have a good time. I had a good time in my 20's anyway, but I think it would have been more fun had I not spent time focused on building meaningful relationships.

[texaskdog]

Amen, brother

[slorydn1]

A lot of women have this misdirected maternal instinct where they get stuck on the "I can fix him" spin. Personally, I think it's more a manifestation of low self-esteem. Unfortunately, with those, you just have to say "no" and wait for them to finally get burned enough to pull themselves away from the fire. If you get involved with one of them when they're in their early 20's, and before it clicks with them that these guys suck, then they're just going to burn you because you're not enough of a project for them.
And I say this from experience: my wife was married before me to a "project," but it finally clicked in her that he wasn't actually going to change despite all her efforts.

It's a maturity issue. I think the best catches are the confident women that aren't desperately seeking companionship, just because they're built up as an independent person. But, of course, they're harder to find, and that is asking a lot of a 20-year-old. And I should add that, if I could go back and change anything from my 20's, it would be to stop concentrating so much on finding "the one" and instead just have a good time. I had a good time in my 20's anyway, but I think it would have been more fun had I not spent time focused on building meaningful relationships.

Well said.

[Otto Yamamoto]

A lot of women have this misdirected maternal instinct where they get stuck on the "I can fix him" spin. Personally, I think it's more a manifestation of low self-esteem. Unfortunately, with those, you just have to say "no" and wait for them to finally get burned enough to pull themselves away from the fire. If you get involved with one of them when they're in their early 20's, and before it clicks with them that these guys suck, then they're just going to burn you because you're not enough of a project for them.
And I say this from experience: my wife was married before me to a "project," but it finally clicked in her that he wasn't actually going to change despite all her efforts.

It's a maturity issue. I think the best catches are the confident women that aren't desperately seeking companionship, just because they're built up as an independent person. But, of course, they're harder to find, and that is asking a lot of a 20-year-old. And I should add that, if I could go back and change anything from my 20's, it would be to stop concentrating so much on finding "the one" and instead just have a good time. I had a good time in my 20's anyway, but I think it would have been more fun had I not spent time focused on building meaningful relationships.

Well said.

I wasted 30 years of my life on someone I found in my 20's and missed a lot of good opportunity because of it. I found someone who I'm pretty much totally simpatico with when I was 50. We're going on 5 years together

XT1254

[US 41]

Yeah I'm not sweating it. I know I can do better than her anyways. I kind of set my high standards a little too low this time around.

[NE2]

Yeah I'm not sweating it. I know I can do better than her anyways. I kind of set my high standards a little too low this time around.

[Pete from Boston]

Don't say you think you have a lot in common.  It sounds like you're making a practical decision based on factors of compatibility.  Sexy, right?

Tell her you'd like to do _____ with her (the date thing, not the other thing).  What she wants to hear is that you want to spend time with her because you enjoy her company.

Since I won't have a lot of time to talk to her would this would?

Me: "Here's my number (hand her a card with my name and number on it). If you'd like to go out to dinner or to a movie later or some other time just hmu"

I'm way behind on this, but there is a point here that needs making.

Never ask a woman to do something passively.  Never make it seem like it's no big deal to you whether they do or they don't.  Never let it be, "if you want..."

A lesson I learned many years ago, and was told explicitly by the offended woman, Is that people want to know that you want them to do whatever it is with you.  They like that you care!

I told this particular woman that she was "welcome to join me" in something or other. She didn't, and she told me why later.  I wanted her to join me, but I was afraid of sounding like I did, because when you put yourself out there you make yourself vulnerable to rejection.  I should have said, "Would you please join me."

You will get farther by being clear that you want what you want and being vulnerable to rejection than you will by playing it safe and acting indifferent.

[texaskdog]

Right on, Duke of Dorchester!

[kphoger]

the "I can fix him" spin.

When my sister first moved away from home, she got into an "I can fix him" relationship.  They lived together for seven years, then got married, then got divorced one year after that.  The biggest problem?  She fixed him!  Her project was over, so there was nothing left of the relationship.  That was back in the late 1990s.  It took her until just a couple of months ago to remarry.

[hbelkins]

the "I can fix him" spin.

When my sister first moved away from home, she got into an "I can fix him" relationship.  They lived together for seven years, then got married, then got divorced one year after that.  The biggest problem?  She fixed him!  Her project was over, so there was nothing left of the relationship.  That was back in the late 1990s.  It took her until just a couple of months ago to remarry.

My first serious relationship didn't end well. We met in college, but she was from that town. I wasn't ready to get married in any way -- financially, emotionally or in any other way -- and the two-year relationship had become somewhat of a burden, to be honest. I finished college in December and already had a job lined up in my hometown so I came back home. She had a semester left. We saw each other on the weekends but that became complicated by car trouble and my job duties. We grew apart and it finally just ran its natural course.

I certainly wasn't a fixer-upper by any means, but this was my first serious relationship and I didn't become involved in it until my senior year of college. So the "first love" that many experience while they're in high school; I hadn't even known yet. She wrote me a letter after we split and said something like, "I spent too much time trying to turn you into my idea of a perfect man and it made both of us miserable." That's probably true. She was a bit out of my league. Her dad owned a prominent business and her family was very well-known in town. Both my parents were working people. They lived in town. I was from the country. In many ways, she tried to get me do things that in lots of ways were out of character for me; so much so that I found it necessary to apologize to a number of people years later for what I'd done while I was dating her.

I got a very touching card from her mother after my own mother died. (I later found out that her family adored me and blamed her for the breakup). I knew she got married a few years later. I ran into her a few years later quite by accident when our jobs caused our paths to cross. She had divorced. We saw each other a couple of times casually as friends and I really think she was trying to open the door to rekindling a relationship that had ended nearly a decade earlier, but I wasn't willing to go down that route. We stayed in touch for a while, mostly for professional reasons, before drifting apart again.

Like many people from the past seem to do, she popped up on Facebook a few years ago. She's since remarried, has had children, and is a military wife so she's moved around the country and the world. She rejected my friend request with a note that she uses FB mostly to keep in touch with a group of military wives and mothers, although she does have a handful of college friends with whom I'm also friends on her list. I didn't take it personally. It was just not meant to be.

But yeah, the "bad boy" type and the "I can fix or tame him" mindset is common and a lot of women take on those projects. Even those who don't want to fix the man, but instead mold and shape him into what they want -- sand off the rough edges, if you will.

[US 41]

Me and the girl I asked out finally talked today. We both acted like nothing ever happened and just talked like always. So I mean later on, if (or rather when) she breaks up with her current bf, then that door could open up again sometime (I'll just have to make a move ASAP next time if it does); but for now I'm definitely moving on and I do have my eyes on another girl right now, so there's that.

Asking someone out definitely wasn't something I should have stressed about though. I feel foolish for being so nervous now. Whoever said that I should just have fun with it, was basically right. I definitely feel better prepared for when I ask this other girl out.

[jwolfer]

Me and the girl I asked out finally talked today. We both acted like nothing ever happened and just talked like always. So I mean later on, if (or rather when) she breaks up with her current bf, then that door could open up again sometime (I'll just have to make a move ASAP next time if it does); but for now I'm definitely moving on and I do have my eyes on another girl right now, so there's that.

Asking someone out definitely wasn't something I should have stressed about though. I feel foolish for being so nervous now. Whoever said that I should just have fun with it, was basically right. I definitely feel better prepared for when I ask this other girl out.

Good to hear man! May the next girl work better, you got the nervousness and anxiety done with

LGMS428

[texaskdog]

the "I can fix him" spin.

When my sister first moved away from home, she got into an "I can fix him" relationship.  They lived together for seven years, then got married, then got divorced one year after that.  The biggest problem?  She fixed him!  Her project was over, so there was nothing left of the relationship.  That was back in the late 1990s.  It took her until just a couple of months ago to remarry.

Very true, again back to bad-boy syndrome

[TheHighwayMan3561]

You probably need to learn this the hard way (I did), but don't lose sight of the fact that there's more to life than chasing women. Society's attitude seems to be all about tying yourself to someone and going from there, but I'm finding doing the reverse of that (worrying about myself first and then deciding to chase love some other time) has been working well for me.

[US 41]

You probably need to learn this the hard way (I did), but don't lose sight of the fact that there's more to life than chasing women. Society's attitude seems to be all about tying yourself to someone and going from there, but I'm finding doing the reverse of that (worrying about myself first and then deciding to chase love some other time) has been working well for me.

If we ever met you would know in about 5 minutes that what you just said is how I live my life. I'm more or less just looking for someone that I can go do stuff with once in a while (like going to games, movies, just hanging out, etc.). Most of my friends moved away for college or are in relationships themselves, so I'm just kind of lonely tbh.

[TXtoNJ]

Me and the girl I asked out finally talked today. We both acted like nothing ever happened and just talked like always. So I mean later on, if (or rather when) she breaks up with her current bf, then that door could open up again sometime (I'll just have to make a move ASAP next time if it does); but for now I'm definitely moving on and I do have my eyes on another girl right now, so there's that.

Just move on. She'll have to make the move if she wants that. Your job is to go and meet new people.

And if you're lonely, find a hobby that involves other people! Having social fun in life makes you more attractive to people.

[cl94]

Update on the new girl?

[NE2]

Update on the new girl?

He put out on the first date.

[1995hoo]

Update on the new girl?

He put out on the first date.

The new girl is a "he"? 

[NE2]

US 41 is a he.

[1995hoo]

US 41 is a he.

Yes, I figured that (although I guess in today's world, US 41 could be a "she".....). I kinda thought you'd run with the joke.

[NE2]

I don't derive the same humor from the implication of homosexuality that bigoted bumclowns do.

[1995hoo]

I don't derive the same humor from the implication of homosexuality that bigoted bumclowns do.

I was wondering when your desire to post stupid insults would trump your ability to take a joke. I should have known.