Death

[wxfree]

As I am wont to do, I now bring up a question about what really matters.  If you were to die now, would you be content with what you have done?  I, certainly, would be unhappy about what I haven't yet done, but I do think that what I've done just might be worthy of a lifetime.

I believe that the greatest peace in life comes from peace with impending death.  A "roadgeek" is someone with an obsessive interest in a topic most would find unworthwhile.  It's my belief that obsessive interests are the things that make life worth living, that what you can excel at far beyond the common population is what can give a sense of accomplishment worthy of living for.  While "roadology" is but a single of my many obsessive interests, it is having found this community that shows me that there is a potential for people to pay deep attention to things, however boring.

The value of an obsession is not simply what you gain therefrom, but is also in the appreciation that can be seen from having that obsession.  If you can leave your knowledge to others, and those others will benefit from it, then you've done something that is worth doing.  I have experienced extreme depression, and have spent half of my lifetime wishing to have never existed.  It is, to me, the most unachievable of achievements to feel a sense of adequacy from having existed, and yet I just about feel that.  I don't know any of your stories, but I do know that many of you are as obsessive as I am, and that this obsession does not result from a boringly normal experience.  I present to you the question herein with the hope that it will inspire or otherwise cause you to think about the things that really matter, about whether you're comfortable that you've done things that really matter.

What are your thoughts?  The very first thing I prayed for after having attended church as a child is to have never existed, asking God to undo what I thought of as the mistake of my existence.  I do not know if I will ever feel that existence was worthwhile, but I suspect that in a community of other obsessive individuals I will find similar stories of people who have had difficulties reconciling the facts of reality and that these individuals will have lessons to teach me.

[codyg1985]

I believe that the greatest peace in life comes from peace with impending death.

I think this is a great thing to live by (or die by). As for me, I feel like I will have missed out on so much if I were to die right now. I still haven't traveled as much as I would have liked to. There are still lots of things in life I would like to accomplish, and many of which will come with age.

I would be content in that I beat the odds stacked against me to get where I am today. Not a lot of people from a background such as mine make it to where they live a comfortable life and can afford to do things that many others can't. For that, I am very proud and humble.

I am curious what happens when we die, but that's for another discussion.

[wxfree]

I am curious what happens when we die, but that's for another discussion.

I appreciate your response.  I, also, have a less-than-stellar background that needs to be overcome before I can have a sense that that I've done something worthwhile.

The matter you refer to really is for another discussion, but I hope I can offer insight with one of my essays.  I never intend to impose my perspective as truth, but only hope to offer it as a consideration.  This is what I've come up with on the post-death experience: http://www.universalassemblyofthecreator.org/nature.html  The e-mail address there is valid if you wish to address the topic with me directly.

[bugo]

I don't fear death at all, even though I haven't exactly led a full life.  I do fear dying painfully, but as far as dying, I'm not fucked up about it.

[Alps]

This is a very unusual topic to bring up in an open forum. I am not one to reminisce about the past. I've made mistakes, I've also had people make mistakes that have affected me. I don't play the blame game, even when I know the cause. I'm always looking forward - how can I best play the hand that I currently have - and trying to enjoy life to the maximum extent possible, both now and in the future (so I may have to sacrifice a little fun now for more fun later). If I die, I'm dead, so I really don't care how or when it happened. At the same time, I don't feel like there is anything I NEED TO ACCOMPLISH before I die, because - see above. I can't be disappointed or unfulfilled without a brain. In the hypothetical "afterlife" scenario, then I think I will be that much happier after my upcoming Australia trip, but that's just about the only (realistic) thing I really have on my bucket list.

[vdeane]

I wouldn't say I've led a full life, and there's no way I'd really be able to fix that (I missed out on so many experiences growing up to various circumstances).  I know I'll never be able to live a normal life except on the surface (combination of Asperger's Syndrome and who knows what else), and while the thought is depressing, I've recognized that this won't ever change.  I'm at the point where I neither fear nor look forward to death (my thoughts here come from Alanland).

Honestly, I'm hoping to become a goddess with effectively unlimited control of space, time, and matter when I die (accompanied by my fellow goddesses, of course), but that's unlikely to happen.

[wxfree]

This is an unusual topic.  There seems to be a lot of insight around here; I wanted to see if I could draw some of it out a bit more.  I probably chose the topic poorly.  I didn't want it to be political or social; I wanted something practical and universal.  I may have gone a little too universal.  Thanks for what's been contributed.  It's an interesting topic to me.

[NE2]

I didn't want it to be political or social; I wanted something practical and universal.

Pooing is always cool.

[corco]

Yeah, I will be content with death once I have found true love in my life. Until I reach that point, I have something to hold out hope for. If I were to die today, that would honestly be my only regret. I'm otherwise at peace with myself and what I have done with my life, even if I am young. Sure, I haven't seen as much of this pale blue dot as I'd like to, but at the end of the day that's fairly insignificant. I believe that when you die, none of that sort of thing matters- all that matters is that you've done your best to be a good person, and I'm fairly content that I have. I have no idea if there's an after life or not but I'd like to think there is, and personally I find comfort in clinging to that hope, however unfounded in science.

[Alps]

Yeah, I will be content with death once I have found true love in my life. Until I reach that point, I have something to hold out hope for. If I were to die today, that would honestly be my only regret. I'm otherwise at peace with myself and what I have done with my life, even if I am young. Sure, I haven't seen as much of this pale blue dot as I'd like to, but at the end of the day that's fairly insignificant. I believe that when you die, none of that sort of thing matters- all that matters is that you've done your best to be a good person, and I'm fairly content that I have. I have no idea if there's an after life or not but I'd like to think there is, and personally I find comfort in clinging to that hope, however unfounded in science.

True love is fun, until it breaks up with you. Then you realize it's just another thing. I think this is the most personal reflection I've posted on the Internet in 10 years.

[bugo]

Yeah, I will be content with death once I have found true love in my life. Until I reach that point, I have something to hold out hope for. If I were to die today, that would honestly be my only regret. I'm otherwise at peace with myself and what I have done with my life, even if I am young. Sure, I haven't seen as much of this pale blue dot as I'd like to, but at the end of the day that's fairly insignificant. I believe that when you die, none of that sort of thing matters- all that matters is that you've done your best to be a good person, and I'm fairly content that I have. I have no idea if there's an after life or not but I'd like to think there is, and personally I find comfort in clinging to that hope, however unfounded in science.

Don't link happiness to a relationship.  I did that for years, and have only recently gotten away from it.

[Duke87]

True love is fun, until it breaks up with you. Then you realize it's just another thing.

I would argue that if it breaks up with you, then clearly it was just love, not true love.

I would agree, though, that some people just aren't cut out to have a relationship that ends up being "permanent". Doesn't necessarily make you a bad person, or even an unattractive/undesirable person - it can just mean that you aren't willing to put in the necessary time and effort to continually maintain such a relationship because you have other priorities in life, or that the freedom of being single makes you happier than anything a relationship has to offer.


Anyways, to respond to the original question - no, I would not be content with my life if it ended right now... but I'm only 25. I'd raise an eyebrow if anyone my age said otherwise. 25 years is not enough time to lead a full life no matter what you do.

[corco]

True love is fun, until it breaks up with you. Then you realize it's just another thing.

I would argue that if it breaks up with you, then clearly it was just love, not true love.

Perfectly stated.

[1995hoo]

I had a high school classmate who killed himself the day before our junior year started. The note he left said he had done everything he wanted to do in life. I don't know how anyone could decide that at age 16. He was always a creepy guy, most of us disliked him because he was very unfriendly, but it was still a shock.

It made me pause for a long time because I had struggled with being depressed two years prior, although I kept it hidden from everyone. The shock we all felt made me think, what would it have done to my family and relatives if I'd done the same thing? Nowadays I look back and I think I was a dumbass to get depressed over struggles in school and the like. You get past things. Few things are ever as bad as they seem at the time (maybe some terminal diseases are an exception).


Edited to add: Oh, holy shit. I did a Bing search for the name of my high school classmate and found his twin brother killed himself in 2010. Damn. I remember both of them. In addition to school, they were in my Boy Scout troop.

[corco]

what would it have done to my family and relatives if I'd done the same thing? Nowadays I look back and I think I was a dumbass to get depressed over struggles in school and the like. You get past things. Few things are ever as bad as they seem at the time

This for sure- I struggled with depression through much of high school and early college, and it was the thought of abandoning my family and how much it would hurt them if I offed myself that prevented it. I've learned now that bad times happen, but they always pass. Life goes in up and down cycles, and sometimes you're in a down cycle but if you've hit the bottom, you have to remember it can only get better.

[NE2]

I had a high school classmate who killed himself the day before our junior year started. The note he left said he had done everything he wanted to do in life.

So why did he kill himself if it wasn't on his list of things he wanted to do? Logic is hard.

Yeah, I've got that depression thing too. Not suicidal though.

[wxfree]

Don't link happiness to a relationship.  I did that for years, and have only recently gotten away from it.

That's about what I'd say.  If you're unhappy where you are, you'll probably carry that unhappiness with you when things change.

That said, I get the impression corco is eagerly awaiting different and better circumstances, not that s/he (sorry, I don't know) is carrying around unhappiness.  The totality of corco's post seems to show what I think is a pretty well-balanced perspective on things.

[wxfree]

I only one time made the actual decision to kill myself, but I (fortunately or unfortunately) had arranged things so that it wouldn't be easy.  After about 15 minutes of trying to find an effective way, I sought a different outcome.  For about 15 years self-termination was a thought I had almost very frequently, but my depression experience really wasn't centered on that.  I always had the sense that I couldn't undo what had been done, that the only way to really fix the problem would be to have never existed.

I don't think I really regret not having killed myself, but sometimes I think it might have been better if I had.  I haven't been depressed in about 6 years, and self-termination isn't an inclination I still have, but I think it scarred me enough that I think differently about it than most people, who usually accept it as a fact that it's a bad thing.

My focus now is on doing something worthwhile.  For me, it's a tall order because of my difficult past; it leaves me wondering if anything can make it worthwhile.  I really don't mean for this to sound depressed.  I think that my obsessive love of learning and figuring things out, which is probably related to the reason I was depressed to begin with, brings me toward a sense that it was worthwhile.  Having spent all those years doing almost nothing else but thinking about stuff (for several years I was completely disabled, couldn't finish school, could barely make conversation, so I did a lot of thinking), I've found a lot of order and inter-relatedness in things.  To me the world is a beautiful place.  My unpleasant experience helped me to find a level of beauty that not everyone sees or appreciates.

I'm not sure why I'm going into so much detail here.  When I start something I tend to jump into the deep end.  Again, I appreciate the insights given here.

[wxfree]

Nowadays I look back and I think I was a dumbass to get depressed over struggles in school and the like. You get past things. Few things are ever as bad as they seem at the time (maybe some terminal diseases are an exception).

People tend to overestimate things.  The turmoil of youth combined with the lack of perspective from experience can distort how things are thought of.  It gets better with age, but the overestimating seems to be a natural behavior that never really leaves.

[sammi]

Since I was little, I had always wished that I would wake up one day as a girl. I always dreamt of myself as a girl. It occupies my thoughts rather frequently (read: all the fucking time) and I think to myself that this is what I want the most in my life. I don't think I will ever be content with my life as it is right now; my emotional discomfort tears me apart. (I am crying as I type this.)

[wxfree]

Since I was little, I had always wished that I would wake up one day as a girl. I always dreamt of myself as a girl. It occupies my thoughts rather frequently (read: all the fucking time) and I think to myself that this is what I want the most in my life. I don't think I will ever be content with my life as it is right now; my emotional discomfort tears me apart. (I am crying as I type this.)

I am reluctant to say much, because I suspect professional help may be warranted and that help from well-meaning amateurs may do more harm than good.  I hope it's helpful to tell you that I've also been through significant trouble for a very long period of time and have found that things can be better.  Professional help, sometimes medication, support from friends and family, and a lot of patience can bring very beneficial results.  At your age, you should discuss this matter with your parents.  I remember being depressed at your age and being almost surprised at how much people wanted to help me.  The way I felt, it seemed like no one would care.  It was one of the best experiences in my life, even in the depths of depression, seeing everyone run in to help and to get the things done that needed to be done.  Just make the first step to seek help.

[place-saint-henri]

I went through a bad bad breakup this year and I often contemplated suicide this summer. the only hope I had was knowing that the Grand Unified Alan in the Sky wasn't ready for me to go just yet. so I puckered on through, sometimes I wish I was hit by a bus. blessed be the suicidal. they need people to understand and guide them through when times go rough so they do not do the unthinkable.

life sucks.

If I were to die right now I would be very discontent, as I have never left the North American continent. I have never had a romantic partner worth writing home about, I dont own a cool old Volvo and I haven't graduated university.

[Brian556]

I've been there (comtemplating suicide) before a few times.

What I have learned from those experiences is that everytime something bad happens, everything turns out ok, and in the end I feel stupid for over-reacting.

[wxfree]

I made a large mistake, failing to consider that discussion of ongoing events may be drawn in here.  While problems don't need to remain buried, a public forum is no place to go digging for them.

I appreciate the insight that has been offered.  I am sorry for my poorly thought out decisions and suggest that this discussion be considered for deletion.  I'll be more careful.

[Scott5114]

Since I was little, I had always wished that I would wake up one day as a girl. I always dreamt of myself as a girl. It occupies my thoughts rather frequently (read: all the fucking time) and I think to myself that this is what I want the most in my life. I don't think I will ever be content with my life as it is right now; my emotional discomfort tears me apart. (I am crying as I type this.)

I cannot speak from personal experience here, but you should know that gender dysphoria is far from unusual. You shouldn't feel bad about it. You may want to do some research and get in touch with whatever sort of trans support organizations exist in your area. It is particularly difficult to go through such a thing while still living with your parents, since they may not understand or approve of your feelings, but they are your feelings, not theirs, and I hope that at some point soon you will be able to live a more comfortable lifestyle than what you are currently going through. Good luck!